paperbeatsscissors

The Last Thing

2011-07-01T07:33:00.001-07:00

Attention Slack-Jawed Shut-ins:

2011-06-21T08:23:00.000-07:00

It's time to shift slightly in your chair, scratch your inner thigh, and turn your red-rimmed eyes to a sunnier horizon. Namely, this one:

"Oh Em Eff Gee bro! A totally tasty piece of art for my eyes to fondle!! This is the best day ever!!!!"

I don't want to hurt your head or anything, but your day is about to get way better. By using your special powers of "your parents' internet" and "half-hearted mouse clicking" you can turn this art into clothes.

Just go to the Threadless Muppet Challenge and vote the bejeezus out of my design. That's all you have to do. What do I ever ask of you? I'm sorry if I ask you if you're comfortable too much. I'm sorry if I bother you with my constant love. All I ever wanted was for you to know that you're special. I'll make you a deal: Go work your finger magic and I'll never speak to you again. I thinks that's a train we can all ride on.

NOW GO VOTE.

Until next time...

¡Paper!

Plug Disguise, Royal Shell

2011-06-17T08:11:00.000-07:00

Nil Prediction

2011-06-15T12:40:00.001-07:00

Exercise, slacking, exercise

2011-06-14T07:48:00.000-07:00

No posts, then, today, a post. It's a good month.

So, since I've been busy with much website building, I've had to slim and trim my art production slightly. I'm taking the time to start a (hopefully) ongoing exercise called Two Random Words. I know what you're thinking... what could this POSSIBLY be about?

Well, it's simple. Two words. One sketch. NO EXCUSES.

I jest. If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that it is full of delicious, meaty excuses. And I'm sure there will be many more. Especially since the idea here is to create one sketch EVERY DAY. HOLY CRAP. I'm already feeling sleepy and getting a strong urge to go watch the X-Files for 4 hours. I guess I'll just have to use this blog to keep me accountable...

Man, I'm on a roll today.

Here are the past two days of Two Random Words, since I couldn't be bothered to post anything yesterday.

CORN STABILITY

CUT INDICATING

Until next time...

¡Paper!

Is this thing on?

2011-06-02T09:42:00.000-07:00

Looks like Blogger finally got their act together and let me log in to my blog. I have to pretend I'm mad, and not secretly happy, that they gave me an excuse to not post anything for a week. BUT, your patience paid off, because you get a bonus color choice for a wallpaper I already posted.

Get the "God Made Me Do It" wallpaper here.

If you want the BLUE VERSION, go get it.

Until next time...

¡Paper!

Makin' it happen

2011-05-24T13:16:00.000-07:00

Yeah it's been a little slow around here lately, but there are always some sexy buns in this art oven and, as always, the faithful will be rewarded. Sort of like these guys.

Actually, almost exactly like those guys...

Rapture joke? ✓

But I'm back on track and crackin' so expect to see a few new things popping up soon. Well, don't "expect" per say... Maybe just "secretly long for". I think that's something we can both work with.

Today, on the other hand, you can expect. Mostly because it's already here. Boom, promise fulfilled.

Get the "Goonies" wallpaper here.

Until next time...

¡Paper!

Art

2011-05-16T11:13:00.000-07:00

Get the "Forest Guide" wallpaper here.

¡Paper!

The Wire, honeypants

2011-05-12T08:53:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I went to Artsfest, which is like an art circus, with corn. There are lots of booths of mostly terrible art, some good art, and lots of food. One of the booths every year is a place that sells organic honey, and they have these magical things called Honey Stix; honey, mixed with other delicious flavors, in a little pixie stick casing. Knowing they were delicious, I bought three and, like a clever badger, I put one in my pocket for later.

Unfortunately for my new-ish pants, I then spent four hours sitting in a coffee shop working on a website. I got up to leave and my spider sense started tingling. "Wait," I said, out loud, to myself, "my butt feels slightly more stickier than usual!" And, upon inserting my hand into my back pocket, I did in fact discover that I had been honeypants'ed.

Then I went home and watched The Wire! Oh, and also made this wallpaper.

Get the "Omar" wallpaper here.

I want to Google honeypants, but I'm a little scared of what will come up. Oh well, maybe another day.

Until next time...

¡Paper!

Nerd break

2011-05-11T07:08:00.001-07:00

Or rather, a break from being a nerd.

This is actual regular art. I know, it's weird for me to not be wasting my time drawing video game characters or ANOTHER Star Wars thing, but I gotta make them Benjamins somehow.

Detail

Fresh new art coming soon! You won't have to suffer through all this boring stuff too much longer.

Until next time...

¡Paper!

Working up a sweat

2011-05-06T08:08:00.000-07:00

So much quality, so little time. But everything has to end eventually.

Here's the LAST DEF STAR wallpaper. So hold it extra long in your tender arms.

Get the "DEF STAR: Palpatine" wallpaper here.

That's what she said.

Until next time...

¡Paper!

DEF STAR 2, Behancing

2011-05-05T08:57:00.000-07:00

Whoops! I joined Behance... how did that happen? I must have accidentally pressed the "Excellence" key on my keyboard.

So, while you're not checking that out, here's the second DEF STAR wallpaper: Darth Vader.

Get the "DEF STAR: Vader" wallpaper here.

Always delivering, mofos. Always delivering.

Until next time...

¡Paper!

Celebrate Star Wars day

2011-05-04T12:55:00.000-07:00

What's that? Do more Star Wars art? Well, it's your lucky day.

This fake holiday is the perfect day to kick off a new series of Star Wars wallpapers. Enjoy...

DEF STAR 1/3: STORM TROOPER!!!

Get the "DEF STAR: Trooper" wallpaper here.

Come back tomorrow and other tomorrow to get the other two in this series.

Until next time...

¡Paper!

White Stripes, other things

2011-05-03T08:37:00.000-07:00

Hey! There's another stupid pixel art on TUMBLR. I can't remember who told me about it..... oh wait, yes I can... Bruce "The Batman" Wayne. Maybe you've heard of him.

Ok, it's kind of hard to tell in that picture, but his lips are saying "Go to TUMBLRRRR and look at sexy pixel art."

Yeah Batman. Now I know why you're the world's greatest detective.

BONUS:
Haha, I tricked you! You were all, "The title of this post was very misleading, as it is less about white stripes of any kind, and more about Batman and terrible pixel art." Hey, guess what over-the-shoulder reading mom? Sometimes people like a little suspense. Maybe you need to learn a little patience.

Get the "White Stripes" wallpaper here.

Until next time...

¡Paper!

Rarities, oddities, afternoon teas

2011-05-02T08:15:00.000-07:00

Happy 70th post! Oh, wait, you weren't celebrating? Well, that's why we're not friends anymore.

Completely unrelated to the celebration I was having BY MYSELF, here are a few new art pieces based around the idea of a robot manatee.

"That's the best idea you've ever had!!! I am in love with you, and, also, I feel the strong urge to give you large piles of money!"

You're only saying that because you can't see all the nearly one billion and twelve OTHER brilliant ideas that I have chilling together in a hot tub in my brain right now... and because sometimes you say things that I think we all know aren't true. It's time to get help. We all went along with it when you said that one penguin at the zoo was staring at you with "weird" eyes because we felt sorry for you, and also because it was funny. Even though your social disorders are kind of funny, it's time to stop the lies.

Try looking at this truthful manatee art.

I couldn't decide between two styles, so here is a BONUS wallpaper featuring a more different robot manatee.

Get the "Megamanatee" wallpaper here.

Yeah baby.

Until next time...

¡Paper!

One more thing for you to not care about

2011-04-30T12:57:00.001-07:00

Hey guess what, ungrateful people. I got a Tumblr.

For two reasons:

One - Apparently, some people can't be bothered to mosey on over to Blogger and care about important things like baby dolphins and world peace. I know it's not the right thing to do, but I'm catering to their laziness. I'm hoping my motherly love will help them see the error of their ways... or at least that my motherly look of soft tenderness and disappointment will guilt them into paying attention to me.

Two - Rather than posting a pixel art every three seconds, the Tumblr will be PIXEL EXCLUSIVE. I guess I'm just too prolific to have room for my barrels of mage-like art on one blog.

SO, there is a NEW pixel art over there right now. Yes! Right now! It's there! Go look at it!

TUMBLRRRRR

Until next time...

¡Paper!

Blogsclusive: Blue Bomber Desktop!

2011-04-28T23:15:00.000-07:00

I went through all the trouble to make this Megaman wallpaper, and now I don't even like it that much.

POOPY! PEE-PEE! POTTY-DOO-DOO!

Here's a secret tip: At Paperbeatsscissors, we don't waste bad artwork. We replace the word "bad" with the word "exclusive". See? You already feel better! You're not sadly picking up half-chewed scraps from the mighty table of my brain - you're getting something special... look, I even carved your name in it! Yeah, well, it's on the back. It doesn't matter anyway. What does matter is, I made it for you. I made it for you while I was composing sonnets in my head about how sexy you are... or at least how sexy I wish you were. Something like this:

Beautiful blabbering babcock,
I bestow on you this bodaciously badnificent bauble:
Bask in it's bonerocity
And begone

Oh man... Like a shining unicorn tear.

Get the "Blue Bomber" wallpaper here.

Until next time...

¡Paper!

Your argument is invalid

2011-04-28T06:48:00.000-07:00

Darth Vader riding a Yoshi.

Where is your god now?

2011-04-27T09:32:00.001-07:00

More feelings

2011-04-25T20:30:00.000-07:00

Mostly anger and betrayal right now...

Guess what Juicyfruit? Tutti and Fruiti are NOT two separate flavors.The next time you say that a pack of gum contains two FLAVORS, try to remember that flavor and color are two very different things - unless you're a package of Fun Pops.

Are you a package of Fun Pops, Juicyfruit? No, you are gum. That is why I bought you. But I also bought you because you claimed to contain two delicious flavors. If you weren't such a liar, we wouldn't even be having this fight.

Ok, now that that's out of the way, we can get down to some news.

DROID FEELINGS: SERIES DOS!!!!!!!

Get the "Gonk Droid Feelings" wallpaper here.

Get the "R5D4 Feelings" wallpaper here.

Get the "IG-88 Feelings" wallpaper here.

Get the "C-3PO Feelings" wallpaper here.

I was going to call it "Series Sexcellent", but series two was shorter. That's it! Eight sexy Star Wars wallpapers. Now ask nothing more of me. You can also download all of the wallpapers HERE.

Until next time...

¡Paper!

Band name, band name

2011-04-22T17:48:00.000-07:00

We all know it's always been your secret dream to be cool. Well, too bad. Nothing you'll find here will make you cool, but it'll make you think that we think you're cool. This is the best, because you're happy, but we can still look down on you. Everyone wins.

Here's one more thing that won't make you cool.

Get the "Band of Skulls" wallpaper here.

Band of Skulls are easily one of the sexiest bands available to your ears right now. They are a three piece rock outfit from Southampton, England. They will rock your socks off, fill your socks with rocks, and then pummel your earholes with rock socks. Metaphorically. Be sure to check them out NOW.

Until next time...

¡Paper!

Wholly Crap!

2011-04-21T07:50:00.000-07:00

just got real up in this bizzzzzzatch!

My Droid Feelings posters are now on Buzzfeed! I know! You've never been so sexually attracted to a robot before. At least, not since you saw Blade Runner.

So, apparently, all you have to do to become famous is make something related to Star Wars. But, who am I kidding? Fame is fame. Does it matter that I'm some kind of hideous fame suckerfish, riding with my limp lips attached to the strong whale-like chest of Star Wars?

Nah.

Actually, maybe this means I'll get to be a Jedi. About time.

Until next time...

Droid Feelings

2011-04-18T14:25:00.000-07:00

I swear I'm going to talk about something interesting soon, but until soon happens, you'll just have to be happy with this mound of sexy art.

Eff bomb! New series!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!1!1111!1!!!!!!

These are the droids you're looking for! Express your feeble human emotions with these new wallpapers from Paperbeatsscissors.

If you'd rather download the pack of four, checkum out here.

Get the "Probe Droid Feelings" wallpaper here.

Get the "Battle Droid Feelings" wallpaper here.

Get the "R2D2 Feelings" wallpaper here.

Get the "MSE-6 Feelings" wallpaper here.

Until next time...

Treats!

2011-04-09T09:28:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I was gone again, but this time I have an actual real reason, and not a completely awesome fake reason.

I've been in London for the past week and a half, and it was awesome. Naturally, I blended in seamlessly. Respect.

BUT since I've been gone for so long, here are three wallpapers that have already been available on my website for a long time! Old gifts! Yes! You might not feel special, but you can't be angry. Mostly because if you had just been a little more self-motivated, you could have had these already. I hope you learned your lesson.

Pokémon!

Get the "Charmander Starter" wallpaper here.

Get the "Bulbasaur Starter" wallpaper here.

Get the "Squirtle Starter" wallpaper here.

Catch them all. HA.

Until next time...

Kind of forgot this was here...

2011-03-21T09:08:00.000-07:00

Sorry about that.

Here's the Paperbeatsscissors recipe for failure:

1 Part loading all of my sexy art into my equally sexy Deviantart

2 Parts general laziness

½ Part working on new projects

3 Parts accidentally getting addicted to Breaking Bad and watching 8 episodes in a row

You can see how equally sexy and non-sexy that is. On one hand, I am awesome, and I'm always up to some rapscillatory shenanigans. On the other hand you, my semi-faithful readers are deprived of the cocaine-laced eye candy you so desperately need a taste of.

So, as a reward for not being a traitor, here are the rest of my Starfox wallpapers that I SAVED for you.

Art dump! Woo!

Get the "Falco In Space" wallpaper here.

Get the "Time For Payback" wallpaper here.

Get the "Slippy In Space" wallpaper here.

Get the "Get This Guy Off Me" wallpaper here.

Get the "Peppy In Space" wallpaper here.

Get the "Barrel Roll" wallpaper here.

Woo! Feeling better? I might have to wipe twice, nay, three times after that art dump. A giant pile of steaming art crap, just for you. Only that crap is made of gold, wrapped in diamonds, and it just did your taxes for you.

You're welcome.

Until next time...

Pray for Japan

2011-03-14T12:18:00.000-07:00

Need I say more?

Donate

Get the "Japan" wallpaper here.

Until next time...

Fox McCloud Wallpapers

2011-03-11T12:56:00.000-08:00

Am I the only one who played a lot of Starfox as a kid?

I hope not.

Get the "Fox In Space" wallpaper here.

Get the "I'm On My Way" wallpaper here.

Until next time...

Deal with it like a boss

2011-03-05T11:06:00.000-08:00

Nothing much going on with this post. Just another MIND BENDING wallpaper from the best thing that ever happened to you. Say good morning to the most inspirational thing you've had in front of your eyeballs since "Hang In There" kitty. Are you tired of people calling you "slow", "flaccid", or "Pee-Pants McWhineyboy"? Well then it time to grow some balls.

Or in this case, a mangina.

Download this wallpaper and feel yourself getting mightier with every second its colors are burning into your retinas. Deal with life just like you'd deal with Curly Jefferson.

Get the "Deal With It" wallpaper here.

Until next time...

WP3: Postal Service - The District Sleeps Alone Tonight

2011-03-01T13:38:00.000-08:00

I have a new role model, and his name is Charlie Sheen. Anyone who can compare themselves to an F-18 or claim to have tiger blood is ok in my book, and, frankly, should be working with me. The policy of this blog has always been, "If you can't stand the heat, then you better get out of the friggin' rays of the resplendent sphere that is my sexiness", and I think you'll agree with me when I say you're dumb if you think otherwise.

Sooooo here's the last wallpaper in the WALLPAPER TRIFECTA series featuring the Postal Service. The final wallpaper: The District Sleeps Alone Tonight. Cue video.

Wow. What a boner-jam. Let's get down to it. I wanted to capture that noice 80s feel from the video, so I did a lot of Googling of 80s fashions. I started by sketching my main girl and then did about seven backup dancers. Have a peek at those sketches:

After all the people were done, I made some buildings and the disco ball in Illustrator, and everything went into Photoshoppe. A custom scatter brush for the lights and some sexy font, and you got yourself a stew goin'. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-check it out:

Get the "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight" wallpaper here.

DOUBLETIME! This design is also on the fast track to becoming a tee shirt on Threadless. That is, it will be after you go vote for it nine times. Don't you want to wear this on your chest? Get out there and make something happen.

Until next time...

WP3: Postal Service - We Will Become Silhouettes

2011-02-23T09:15:00.000-08:00

Oh man, this is so embarrassing.

I was totally going to post this second wallpaper in the WALLPAPER TRIFECTA series like... five days ago, but last Wednesday I accidentally put "Whip My Hair" on repeat on my iTunes, and I've been whipping my hair back and forth the whole time. I didn't even shower, and I think I have some kind of neck condition now, so you really should be feeling sorry for me instead of judging me.

As promised, here is the second wallpaper in the series.

I wanted to capture the 60s feel of the video, and also the post-apocalyptic theme of the song. I also liked the bikes. That part makes me all tingly. So, I finally decided to draw a monster family riding bikes through the desert. Most of this one was done in Illustrator, so I did some fairly rough sketches and just scanned them in. Here are the originals:

After I scanned the sketches, I cleaned them up and changed the faces (some a little, some a lot) and adjusted the perspective on each one. After the characters were done, everything went to Photoshop so I could make it look all nubbly.

Enjoy, the final wallpaper will be posted sometime in the next week.

Gotta keep you on your toes.

Get the "We Will Become Silhouettes" wallpaper here.

Until next time...

...and it was the best Valentines ever.

2011-02-14T14:16:00.000-08:00

WP3: Postal Service - Such Great Heights

2011-02-12T15:54:00.000-08:00

Oh my gee. This is the beginning of a THRICE DAY series called WALLPAPER TRIFECTA. This is where I'll be doing a series of three wallpapers based on something I like.

So expect one soon featuring your mom.

HA! I kid. Your mom sucks.

This WALLPAPER TRIFECTA is based on the music videos of The Postal Service. Day one.... Such Great Heights!

Yeah, so The Postal Service is so phresh, and their videos, also, are. Each of the videos has a very distinct feel to it, and I love that. The Such Great Heights video has that swass 1984 space pajama thing going on, and I wanted to capture that in my design. Also, the obvious attraction between the two main characters in the video got me thinking about a machine that falls in love with a human... unrequited love and allat, yo. So, I started by sketching my two main characters and then tracing my pencil with my weapon of choice, the Micron 005 Black marker/pen/whatever. Here are the final sketches:

The boy took about 1 hour. The machine was a solid four days worth of work. After I sketched everything out, I sexily scanned them into my computer and did a little Live Paint action in Illustrator CS5. The coloring was done with the Live Paint bucket, and took about another afternoon. After that, everything was dumped into Photoshop and I did the background and the text. The fonts in this particular design are EjectJap and Kenyan Coffee. Both are, I believe, available on dafont.com.

And here is the finished product. Download and enjoy.

Get the "Such Great Heights" wallpaper here.

Until next time...

Blogsclusive!

2011-02-06T11:19:00.000-08:00

I know I have some loyal readers, but guess what? Internet has told me that some of you are MORE loyal than other readers. That's right! Surprise, mofos! I can see you! Apparently, some of you care more about excellence than others... and apparently most of those people are Londish.

What's your deal, America? I've always been good to you, and you betray me now? You would turn away your OWN CHILD? The one who suckled on your teets of freedom and justice, respectively? How could you? Let me just tell you, you're missing out. Overall you're missing out, but today, you're missing even outer. That's because I'm starting a new series of BLOGSCLUSIVE posts! Wooo! These posts are going to be filled with so much sexy cream you won't even believe it, and you won't find any of this stuff on the website. That's right, blog buddies only.

Here are a few Blogsclusive wallpapers for you to download. A few quick Mighty Boosh wallpapers I made a few days ago, but we're going to pretend I planned to make these as a reward to my readers across the pond.

Enjoy.

Get the "This Is Good" wallpaper here.

Get the "Blood From A Cat's Face" wallpaper here.

Get the "Peppermint Nightmare" wallpaper here.

Until next time...

In the future...

2011-02-04T20:48:00.000-08:00

In a world where there are still people that believe that every email they receive comes from a real person, I have no choice but to believe that the world will eventually be ruled by computers. When this finally happens, I will be very happy. Mainly because a computer will never call me to ask how to use itself.

I know you think you're being "helpful" by calling, but the page refresh button is a valuable resource that should not be underestimated. For those of you who use the computer, but refuse to learn from it, there are guidelines for when and how you're allowed to bother the rest of us. Since most of you seem to be a bit hazy on the rules, I've made a handy flowchart for you:

Educate yourself.

Until next time...

Goldfresh

2011-01-31T13:30:00.000-08:00

Yeah, just a goldfish liking something. But you can get the wallpaper here.

Just another day...

2011-01-27T17:55:00.000-08:00

That I don't have superpowers.

Seriously, what's up with that? I'm as good a candidate as any. My only caution is that I would have to settle for being a Peter Parker sort of superhero instead of a Bruce "The Batman" Wayne type of super hero... AKA, a freak accident sort of superhero. I mean, if I had a million dollars, I'd already have a pair of nunchucks and a jetpack, and I would be custom ordering my understated yet powerful costume as we speak.

I just feel like, if you're not going to be a superhero, then why are you a millionaire? If the government were to develop some kind of system where they take money from millionaires and redistribute it to other incredibly good looking people with below average income so they can become superheros... I'd vote for that.

Are you listening, government?

Yes... of course you are. You're always listening.

My blog-to-art segues are sort of lacking, so here's a sketch of the Joker.

There's going to be some more free stuff on here real soon. I promise.

Until next time...

Scarecrow, Snooze Alarm

2011-01-22T10:16:00.000-08:00

My plan for this saturday was to get up early and walk to a local diner and have breakfast. Unfortunately, my overachieving got the better of me again. I set my alarm for 9:30, and didn't get up until 10! Yes! Success! If there's one thing I'm guilty of, it's giving one million percent to everything, and that includes sleeping. If I tell myself I will get eight hours of sleep, I may give myself NINE hours of sleep, in the hopes that I will one day promote myself to upper-middle management, and finally get that parking spot that's under a big tree in the lot. There's nothing bad about that spot! In the summer, it keeps your car cool. In the rain, it helps keep you dry. If it snows, you're the only one not cleaning ten pounds of snow off your windshield. I need that spot... no... I DESERVE it.

Yesssss.

Ok, here's a sketch of "The Scarecrow" from Batman. Weirdly, I had to think about what animal to make him for a long time - until I remembered his name is Jonathan CRANE! HAHA! Oh man, I am such a n00ber.

Ok, this is more of a stork than a crane, but what are you, some kind of biologist? Why don't you go look at some tiny germs that are also the same size as your tiny brain!

But wait, first look at this sketch.

Now get out of here.

Until next time...

Sketchbook scans, obvious lethargy

2011-01-19T08:22:00.000-08:00

I know it's been hard for you the past few weeks with all these posts more full of value and facts and less full of cool-as- drawings from my sketchbook - or, as I call it, the Holy Grail of Sexiness.

If you were a true friend, and not a betrayer of my unbiased confidences, you would know deep in your wrinkled, sad heart that I've been working on lots of super cool projects. Unfortunately, all the projects are still in the pupa stage. How could I subject their tender membranes to your probing, beady eyes? What kind of father would that make me? An un-American one, that's what kind. Do you hate America? Do you hate freedom? Maybe you should just go somewhere else to look and sketches and pee on the constitution.

So, in lieu of actual content, I'll just post some sketches from my sketchbook.

One of my "Batmanimals" sketches. Slowly trying to interpret all my favorite Batman characters as animals.

Here's some fanart for a comic strip by Cole Closser. Cole is super talented and possibly clean, even though he appears to like rats. You can read the strip the fan art is based on here. Check it out.

Keep checking back for some more random sketchbook work until I get my act together.

Until next time...

New Website, other boring news, etc.

2011-01-14T07:00:00.000-08:00

So, sorry about the lack of activity around here lately.

I'd love to blame the holidays, but the fact is, I'm just lazy. I know your standards probably weren't all that high to begin with, but I think we all can at least appreciate the level of transparency available here.

Projects ARE forthcoming though. I promise! You'll just have to keep that flame of secret hope alive a little bit longer. Your faith... will not go unrewarded, and your disloyalty will not go unpunished...

Whoa, sorry. I didn't mean to suggest that you would be punished for not reading this blog. What I did mean to suggest, is Paul Bettany outside your bedroom window, just waiting for you to go somewhere else for your entertainment needs. Don't worry, I've instructed him not to kill, only to maim. And hopefully you've learned your lesson so we can all go back to being friends.

NEWS!

Paperbeatsscissors has finished a new website! The band website for Maps For Travelers is now up and running. Click the image to see the full site:

In case you're stupid, the url is www.mapsfortravelersband.com These guys are not only super cool, but also make some dern fine tunes. Check them out, while you also receive a brain-chubby from looking at the awesome site. All the art AND webdesign are Paperbeatsscissors custom crafted. PHRESH 2 DETH!

And speaking of phresh 2 deth...

I know it's hard to process since you just had a mindblow, but that is one of the members of the band wearing a custom printed Mountain Man tee! Oh yeah! So awesome.

Until next time...

Hey...

2011-01-07T11:24:00.000-08:00

It's friday mother ers

CAVORT!

Happy 15

2011-01-01T08:55:00.000-08:00

To ring in the new year, you can have some real, actual, paperbeatsscissors NEWS. I know... it's kind of weird to start the year with facts and truth, but it was really my only option. Mainly because I was up late last night and I don't feel like writing anything.

Excellence! Excellence in everything!

Paperbeatsscissors came in SECOND in a sticker design contest hosted by Abduzeedo and Sticker Robot. Obviously, everyone was outraged that it wasn't first place, but in the spirit of Goodwill, and also the Salvation Army, I decided to let it slide. Here's the winning design:

Also you can check the post here, and express your rapidly multiplying outrage.

Until next time...

Last post of pre-2011

2010-12-31T10:41:00.001-08:00

So hurry up and take advantage of these sweet 2010 wallpapers. Oh, and also, have a happy new year.

Get the "Sticky Duck" wallpaper here.

Get the "Hide Yo Kids" wallpaper here.

Until next time...

Happy Blogday

2010-12-14T13:21:00.000-08:00

The Paperbeatsscissors blog is one year old today!

Oh man, did we have some times! We've had adventures. We've felt the gentle and elegant touch of Internet. We rode toward our collective destinies on wings made of the bitter tears shed by those who are not as cool as us. We sold a tee shirt. We gave away like... a buttload. And maybe.... just maybe, we all learned a little bit about ourselves.

So here's to another year made of sexcellence and phresh-to-deathness. To celebrate, here's a little gift for you. That's right, a gift for you, on my blogday. That's just the kind of person I am.

"Aquatic Life" Mac icon set. Download the matching desktop wallpaper and show the world that you are a lover of fine cinema and bearded sailors.

Until next time...

Website updated, more love available.

2010-12-08T07:06:00.000-08:00

The Paperbeatsscissors.com website has been updated, which means you have no more excuses for not telling every living person you know to go there.

Check out the new downloads page, where all of the swass free wallpeppers I've made are all available for you to download. Look at them! Aren't they cute? All in a row, like some little ducklings. Ducklings made of excellence.

Speaking of which!

Get the "Aquatic Life" wallpaper here.

Since I'm white, young, and artsy, I'm sort of cosmically obligated to enjoy Wes Anderson movies, so here is a little wallpaper for all you other young urban hipsters. Hop on your fixie and tell the world!

Until next time...

Guess what...

2010-11-26T15:06:00.000-08:00

Here's what's up.

Get the "Keep On Grindin" wallpaper here.

Some things you might not have done

2010-11-22T07:18:00.000-08:00

Like... vote on this tee shirt.

Or check out some music from my band HAIRCUT.

Listen at myspace.com/thisishaircut

Ok, that's all. Go about your business.

Until next time...

A potential future of non-nudity

2010-11-17T06:52:00.000-08:00

Just click that link down there. Don't ask questions. CLICK IT. Quick, your time to make the future better is now.

I know you might be worried that if you give this design a high score, you might accidentally be supporting future super-robots that will try to take over the world and enslave mankind. I know, I worry about that too, but you shouldn't let that stand in the way of your happiness NOW.

As added incentive, here's a delicious desktop wallpaper version of the design for you, the faithful reader.

Get the "Sorry Dave" wallpaper here.

Not only will this wallpaper make your computer look amazing, it is almost definitely not carrying a secret virus woven intricately into the pixels designed to someday allow a powerful robotic consciousness access to your most secret of secrets.

HAHA! Why would that even matter? Clearly, it is a fallacy. I, as always, am hilarious.

Until next time...

New news, that is also late!

2010-11-10T14:03:00.000-08:00

Yes, this news is new. It's lateness, however, is old. Almost three weeks old in fact.

I'm sorry. I can't help it that I'm very busy creating excellence with every magical breath I take. The updates you see in this blog are the only physical evidence of my very short breaks in a daily schedule that consists of sketching, Internet, fighting wizards, feeding orphans, more sketching, work, rocking babies, and loving America. If doing all that is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

Also, why do you hate America and babies?

Anyway, here's the news:

YES! The Most Excellent and Revered KYOUTAN TOCHI tee is now available to buy. Buy it now, and feel its ancient voodoo wrapping your torso in a soft, fluffy layer of enchantment.

Shirt features:

Tradition: Imagine you were eating Ramen Noodles while riding Godzilla, dressed as a Sailor Moon character and wearing a Samurai helmet when you get a call on your Gatchaman wristwatch and find out you've just won ten jillion yen. This shirt is still better.

Loveable Characters: Alice and the Cheshire Cat, but not boring anymore.

Possible Magic Powers?: I think I accidentally trapped the spirit of a Ronin in a few of these shirts, so they may or may not have the secret urge to avenge the death of their master.

How could you not want this shirt? Are you stupid? You might not think so, but if you find yourself without the unbearable urge to buy a Kyoutan Tochi tee, you may, at the very least, have some stupid trapped in your brain.

You might want to take care of that now, because the longer it's in there, the bigger it's going to get. Pretty soon you'll have to find some scientists you can shrink down, put in a tiny submarine, and inject directly into your fatty tissue so they can go find the source and laZer it out.

Plus, you don't want to have to worry about them bumping into something important while they're in there, and for the rest of your life every time someone says the word "broccoli" you pee your pants.

Wouldn't just buying a tee be much easier? I think so.

Until next time,

Still freaky

2010-11-05T08:28:00.000-07:00


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Keepin' it real...

2010-11-02T07:46:00.001-07:00

Oh snap. Looks like it just got phresh to deth in here.

Download the wallpaper!

Censor Ship

2010-11-01T13:12:00.000-07:00

What the ?

Paperbeatsscissors + Science = Magic

2010-10-26T08:08:00.000-07:00

Eff bomb! Through the power of Internet, it has been revealed to me that last weeks post was accidentally SUPER SCIENTIFIC!

Turns out, there's actually such a thing as a Ghost Shark. Science! You crafty curmudgeon! You're always sneaking sciency things on me. That's why I love you.

I decided to ask Google if it had seen a Ghost Shark lying around, and this is what I found:

I know...

With a name like GHOST SHARK, I guess I expected it to be a little more... uh... creepy. Instead, it just kind of looks like this ye olde fashioned Bugs Bunny drawing.

What's the deal, Ghost Shark? Why are you so wacky? You should be out there being ultra-creepy... or at least slightly translucent. You are lame, Ghost Shark.

Using more science, and a post-it note I had on my desk, I generated this anatomically correct drawing of what the REAL Ghost Shark would look like. Knowledge, next to a good offense, is the best defense.

Man, this blog is so full of knowledge it's like some kind of knowledge piñata just waiting to be hit with the baseball bat that is your computer screen, spilling its delicious content all over your greedy brain. Yum.

Until next time...

PBS

Halloweeners

2010-10-21T14:02:00.000-07:00

Guess what? Halloween's almost here!

Yes! Another excuse to eat candy!

In recognition of, what some people would call "the devil's birthday" and what others might call "not a real holiday", I'm offering this ultra ripe desktop wallpaper for download! Cower!

Get the "Where is Thy Sting?" wallpaper here.

Oh man, I just realized I accidentally used an exclamation mark on every sentence in that pre-wallpaper text up there. This post was supposed to be eerie, but now it just looks exciting. You're just going to have to pretend that the exclamation marks are because I'm yelling to you from somewhere in the bowels of some super-sketchy old house in kind of a freaked-out way. And instead of "Download this excellent free wallpaper!" I might be yelling something like, "Don't come down here!" or, "I can't feel my legs!"

And then, it would help if you imagined that you didn't listen to me, but instead followed my haunting screams into said sketchy house, and that you didn't tell anyone where you were going. You think you hear some weird noises, but that was probably just the wind creaking. You're descending the smelly stairs, following the faint sound of my voice, when suddenly the stair breaks right underneath your foot!

Now your leg is stuck. Awesome.

Suddenly you hear heavy breathing, and Nat King Cole's "Unforgettable" starts playing. The distinct smell of low tide fills your nostrils. You look behind you and, to your utter horror, you see the semi-translucent smile of a big... giant...

GHOST SHARK!

And he doesn't have fins like a regular shark, he has like... crab hands... and in those crab hands, he's carrying one of those creepy old baby dolls that goes to sleep when you lean it backwards. He also has a bowl cut.

...And an eye patch.

You try to scream, but you just pee your pants, and maybe poop a little bit too. And as you sit there, he just stares at you with his one, soulless, beady eye, as if to say, "Ha! I know you can't move! I will devour you at my leisure, saving your tender parts for last!"

Can you feel his steely gaze!? It bores into your very soul! It eats crumbly things in the bed of your heart! Fear the GHOST SHARK! Fear him!

Ha. NOW you're creeped out. I'm sorry if you actually did poop and/or pee your pants back there. That can happen when your mind is so entranced.

Until next time...

PBS

NEWS: Tee sales up! Your coolness level still dangerously low

2010-10-12T18:51:00.000-07:00

Yes! I'm happy to report that tee sales for the Mountain Man tee have doubled!

Unfortunately, doubling zero still equals nothing.

Ha! I jest! I jest you! I also test you. The T and J are interchangeable in that sentence. A true friend of PBS would have known that we have sold many shirts; almost too many to count. Especially if you can only count to 12.

Here's the problem: I still have a lot of shirts in my closet. Actually what I mean is, here's the GOOD NEWS: There is still SO much sexy love waiting to be spread, like a delicious cinnamon butter, on the Pillsbury bun hearts of your friends, that my lowly closet can no longer contain it's righteousness.

There's really only one thing standing between your friends and the happiest day of their lives:

You.

Why do you hate your friends so much? They have just as much a right to be happy as you do, even though they can't leave the house without supervision. Maybe you just don't want them to surpass your coolness level. Ok, I get it... I think we've all been there. But let's face it, you weren't very cool to begin with, and the longer you deprive other people of joy, the smaller and more shriveled your heart becomes. What's next? Hitting puppies with a rake? Punching grandmas? It's a slippery slope.

Maybe you're just doubting the power of the Mountain Man. Well, I don't want to drop names, but Internet gave me this picture, and I think it'll squelch those thoughts out of your brain.

Until next time...

PBS

Time to start feeling better about yourself.

2010-10-07T19:02:00.001-07:00

In way that only Paperbeatsscissors can make you feel.

We know you're tired of giving up on your dreams. Remember that time you wanted to start a hamster circus? You even bought the tiny trapeze and the tiny top hat for the hamster ringmaster to wear. It was, admittedly, kind of an obvious mistake to use your cat, Mister Huffy, in the lion tamer act, but it was a mistake that anyone could have made. Does one mistake mean you should give up on your dream?

Your best friend says no, and that best friend is PBS.

"Why is that?" You say. "I'm a failure! I can't even pee without getting a little on my pants!" Well, that's true, but it's a problem that many people have.

Just think about this: If people with barely functioning brains like Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus can become famous, you can do ANYTHING you want. ANYTHING.

And it's in the spirit of this idea that Paperbeatsscissors releases two very special inspirational desktop wallpapers: The "If they can do it..." series says everything you wish your parents would have said to you when you were a child... and more. Just click the thumbs below to preview the images and follow the links to download.

Get the Justin Bieber wallpaper here.

Get the Miley Cyrus wallpaper here.

See, don't you feel powerful now? That's because we're committed to DIGNITY, EXCELLENCE and RESPECT. It's time to start following your dream again.

Now get out there and be somebody!

Until next time...

PBS

More free things!

2010-10-04T09:30:00.000-07:00

Holy ess! More free things?!?! I must be crazy!

Ha ha! Just kidding. I am totally not crazy. A crazy person would promise you a free thing and then give you a half-eaten slipper or a dirty diaper. When I promise you a free thing it definitely will not be a half-eaten slipper, and usually will not be a dirty diaper.

That's the kind of behavior you can expect from Paperbeatsscissors, where our only sanity issues are being insanely generous, insanely awesome, and insanely sexy.

And speaking of insanely sexy, check out THESE:

You can stop searching around for the free item I mentioned, because it's right above this sentence.

Eight majorly cool SCOTT PILGRIM folder icons for your Mac. Complete the look with a swass desktop wallpaper, which you can download at scottpilgrim.com.

If you need instructions on how to use the icons you can find them here. Sorry, that's not included in this free gift. I have to make a living somehow.

Enjoy.

Until next time...

PBS

Career Awesome

2010-09-28T07:48:00.000-07:00

I think you and I both know what time it is...

It's time for you to get serious about being awesome. You keep saying, in kind of a whiny tone, "Why can't I be cool like the other kids I know? What do they have that I don't have?" The real question you should be asking is "What do I have that they don't have?"... things like acne, abnormally large eyes, a penchant for standing too close to people when you talk... the list goes on. Then go BACK to your first question and ask yourself what THEY have, which is probably a list containing one single thing: PAPERBEATSSCISSORS. Let me break this down for you:

Paperbeatsscissors isn't so much a place that has awesome tee shirts and makes killer websites as it is a LIFESTYLE. And if you're living the PBS lifestyle, that means you're not living other lifestyles that probably include meth, crying, and regular beatings.

Take these young men for example; Can you spot the one who daily proclaims his love for PBS?

I think you see what I mean. The two children on the left obviously spend 80-85% of their time with their hands either up their nose or down their pants. They're probably well on their way to becoming career criminals, and are generally on the Greyhound bus to Failure Town. On the other hand, the young man on the right obviously has a healthy respect for cats and above average hygiene. These are just a few of the ways you can spot someone who is PBS certified.

I hope this information helps you understand why you suck. We were all getting tired of talking about it quietly behind your back.

Until next time...

PBS

Old guys

2010-09-20T11:44:00.000-07:00

Hey, guess what?

A nifty GIF, that's what. Just for you. Every pixel loving hand sewn, while I was thinking of you and how super sexy you are.

Check it.

That's right! The late, late senator Robert Byrd, getting riled up about something. Use this GIF to express your anger, outrage, disdain, etc.

Not enough? Ok, have this:

A free "Robert Byrd Stamp of Disapproval™"

Put it in an email, put it in a soup! Express your stern disapproval! Revoke your tender approval! Above all, enjoy.

Until next time...

PBS

Identity theft

2010-09-16T13:21:00.000-07:00

Something terrible happened. And when I say "something" I'm assuming you were too lazy to read the title of this post.

This is an actual REAL email I got in my paperbeatsscissors Gmail account a few days ago.

From: John

Subject: the tune

Hey Tim,

about 12 sec in is when the stumming starts and the drums and more plugged in sound could start.

lemme know what you think,

John

ps which address?

I'm going to ignore his grammatical errors and the fact that he spelled my name wrong and focus on the fact that John sent this email to not one, but TWO nearly identical email addresses; one of which was not mine.

Naturally, this raised a lot of questions:

Who is this "Tim"? If that's even his name.

Why is he so almost awesome?

Could he be some sort of Bizarro Chris?

Is he looking to invest in a small business that might also be almost his email address?

It's a tough call. There's a slim chance that he's a nice guy. There's a much larger chance that we're already mortal enemies.

I mean, what if he's out there soiling the Paperbeatsscissors name? Instead of making sexy t-shirts and helping old people lift heavy objects, he could be punching babies in the neck or using all the toilet paper and not replacing the roll!

I hope, for his sake, that he's not. Because if he is, he's going to need a life raft to stay afloat on the ocean of sarcastic comments and uncomfortably long stares I'll be sending his way… a life raft that I will subsequently sink with the gnarly shark teeth of my secret loathing.

Tim, if you're even real, do the right thing. Leave Internet. Leave, and never come back.

Until next time…

PBS

I hope you're hungry...

2010-09-15T08:11:00.000-07:00

Because there's real, actual news in this post. Delicious, piping hot news baked fresh for you to chew up with your eyeball-teeth and swallow down to the stomach of your brain. I know you've been worried about your figure, so this post is also full of nutritious vitamins. Not that I think you need to diet, because I'll love you even if your brain gets love handles and has to buy slightly larger pants. I got with you for your sexy brain personality, not your sexy brain body, and I hope you understand that.

Anyway, the excellent news is... THE NEW VEIL ARMS SITE HAS LAUNCHED!

Easy... chew slowly. I don't want you to gag on how awesome that news is and force me to give you some sort of virtual Heimlich maneuver.

That's right, my good buddies over at veilarms.com asked me to redesign their site, and it is now sleeker, sexier and more confident than it has ever been. It was only launched yesterday, and it already asked out three girls and started dressing more professionally.

Scamper over there now and check it out, and while you're over there, don't forget to check out Veil Arms' almost frighteningly long list of things they do awesomely, not the least of which is printing the extra-great Mountain Man Tee! (Which you can buy right over there →)

Ok, that's enough news for today, chubby.

Until next time...

PBS

News again.

2010-09-11T19:15:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back from my swass trip to Portland, OR and subsequent roadtrip to Tawas MI. We saw many awesome things, and I, personally, did much awesome repping for PBS. Based on the complicated and scientific research I did, I created this infographic:

It's not hard to find people who love beards. It's not hard to find people who wear shirts. So you can imagine what people were saying when they came to me saying "Oh man, I totally wish I could have a beard ON a shirt. That would be so the bee's knees!"

And I would say "Oh yeah? Check this out..." and tear off my boring, plain shirt that is cleverly concealing the much more baller Mountain Man tee.

Well, actually, people were saying NOTHING because they were busy getting a fresh pair of undies after soiling, in excitement, the ones they were currently wearing.

That being said, we really haven't sold any more shirts. So come on people... your future called, and it said you suck.

In conclusion, here's a valuable tip I received on my trip:

You've been warned.

Until next time...

PBS

GIF of the whatever

2010-08-26T13:22:00.000-07:00

Based on my new obsession with making animated gifs, I'm going to start doing a GIF of the Whatever™. It was originally supposed to be GIF of the Week, but since I consider it "good" if I update this blog once a month, I figured it would be better for everyone if I set expectations very, very low.

Enjoy.

Tell your friends.

Until next time...
PBS

Site and blog redesign

2010-08-25T11:16:00.000-07:00

Feeling it? Don't worry, you will.

Everything is a little more accessible and a little more awesome. Now you can buy the Mountain Man Tee right here on this blog or on the site. Say WHAT?!

Things have been busy, but I'm still finding time to enjoy my brand new Sticker Bomb books. If you love awesome stickers and, also, love being awesome you will like these books. Check em out.

Also, check out the brand new feed of what I'm listening to, straight from Last.fm.

Until next time,

PBS

Rep 'til you drep!

2010-06-21T13:29:00.000-07:00

Now that we're living in the future, I can get pictures of people repping sweet PBS gear without the hassle of having to talk to them or mail things. We have sold some shirts. Not a million... but some.

"Wait, these shirts are even more awesome and manly than a bear with a cat.... or, better yet, a bearcat. Why haven't you sold a million?"

That's the exact question you, and all your friends and family, should be asking yourselves. The answer is simple... Laziness. And if you keep spending all your time in the GAP trying to decide between the eggshell polo and the cream-froth polo, you'll never be as wickedly awesome as these people:

Straight from the streets. Just so you know you can feel comfortable wearing your Mountain Man tee anywhere. Even the Vanity Art Battle... or Cavity Art Bath... or wherever.

Man of science, man of strength. No matter what kind of man you are, the Mountain Man tee is the final ingredient that will make all the ladies want to touch you.

A picture is worth a thousand words, and this one is worth two million.

If you send me a picture of you or your cat or grandma repping PBS, you WILL be famous.

Until next time...

PBS

New computer! New memories!

2010-06-17T14:04:00.000-07:00

Sweet, hot memories we will make together. You and me and my brand new Macbook Pro. It is so much more beautiful than I imagined... although, that may be because even a piece of celery wrapped in tin foil with a keyboard attached would be better than my old computer.

What does this mean for you? Not much. You're still kind of a loser, but you WILL get the opportunity to bask in the biscuit-like fragrance of the more and many-more arts that I will now be putting up here.

As a reward for coming here today, you get to see a tattoo concept I've been working on.

Not quite done yet, but you get the idea.

Until next time!

PBS

RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!

2010-06-07T19:57:00.001-07:00

So he can use all ten (or whatever) of his arms to vote on THIS:

Get to it.

Until next time...

PBS

Sexy results

2010-04-28T13:32:00.000-07:00

Finally! News that is actually newsworthy!

After months of slaving away in the wee, sweaty hours of the morning, I've finally finished one of the big projects I've been working on lately.

Behold:

RHLS.COM

New York based clothing geniuses RUFFEO HEARTS 'LIL SNOTTY chose me to update their old website for them. The current website and lookbook are a V 1.0, if you will. The final version will be so mind-blowingly awesome, you're going to want to go buy one of these so you can keep it with you always, like an angel made of quality.

Be sure and check out the new web site, not just for it's magical and healing qualities, but mostly because there is a whole crap-ton of awesome clothing handmade by RHLS, right here in the USA.

Here's a little more about the company:
"Ruffeo Hearts Lil Snotty is more than a look. RHLS advocates for transparency throughout the entire process of making clothing. All garments are made in Red Hook Brooklyn by Mackswell and Sarah and a small team of seamsters, the "Hearts." Fabric is sourced from dead stock as much as possible or from local Mom and Pops Independently run stores in NYC."

Yeah, that was straight from the about page of the website, but let's face it, you people are lazy and I think we both know most of you weren't going to click the link without a little extra incentive. Geez, do I have to do everything around here?

Until next time!

PBS

The countdown begins!

2010-04-17T13:24:00.001-07:00

Only a few more days before this blog unveils some übergroß projects up in this bizznazz. I've been breaking some serious tail to get some web projects for several super-cool businesses, and the magic it's unleashing even surprised this guy.

But until then, there are few more-finished projects to whet your palate.

Here's a tee design for a conference taking place in Detroit:

Also, don't forget about the NEWEST TEE up on Threadless, straight from the bowels of paperbeatsscissors' awesome belly.

Go vote on it now and all your dreams will come true. Well, all your dreams of helping awesome tees get printed. And I think we both know those are the only dreams of yours that matter.

NEWS FLASH!
Next week, Kyoutan Tochi tees will officially be available at the paperbeatsscissors supreme Etsy Shop. Don't forget to check back for more info!

Until next time!

PBS

Holy cow...

2010-04-15T14:20:00.000-07:00

There are so many excellent things happening right now that I can no longer shield you from the super rainbow waves of greatness.

Which is good, since I've been majorly out of commission for almost a week with a terrible case of hives.

"OMG fella! How did you get hives?"

I'm glad you asked, semi-loyal reader. Mainly because my apartment complex has the most terrible water in the world.

Imagine an airplane full of dog crap and gasoline crashed into a factory that makes pennies and glue. Now imagine that factory was next to some sort of bog or swamp. Now imagine the wreckage from the plane-factory crash fell into the bog. Now imagine it rained a lot and the bog became a lake. Now imagine they put some pipes in the lake and pumped the penny-gas dog-poo water into a giant tank and mailed it to my apartment complex.

That's basically how I got hives.

BUT, I'm all un-itchy now and ready to get back to squeezing out some quality!

Here's a new Facebook addition:

There are a few new projects I'm cranking out, but we'll save those till tomorrow. And by tomorrow I mean "whenever this blog gets updated next".

In other news:
The first Mountain Man tee EVER sold like two days ago! It was bought by our new best friend, Olivia.

Yes, I know that's a picture of Chuck Norris, but that's exactly how bad-a Olivia's lucky friend is going to be wearing that sweet manly shirt.

You can still get your own Mountain Man tee RIGHT NOW at the paperbeatsscissors Etsy shop.
RIGHT OVER THERE →

Last but not least paperbeatsscissors has a new tee up on Threadless, so get your patootie over there and score it!

Until next time!

PBS

Oh man, I'm getting hungry...

2010-03-31T09:34:00.000-07:00

I'm almost considering eating the chocolate Christmas penguin I've had on my desk for six months. It's made out of that special chocolate that will last forever, even after the Apocalypse, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

As a special reward for visiting this blog, even though there's almost never anything interesting here, I've put up another song. It was recorded last weekend for an Easter video a friend was working on.

Jesus Is A Rock

Reworking of an old song, sung here by Frank Sinatra. As usual, all instruments and vocals are by this guy. Mostly just acoustic, electric, and bass, with some sweet drum loops and effects unda-laid. Dig?

Also included! Some fresh art.

Facebook: Murray

Lil' Dreezy

Sexyyyyyyy.

Side note: I just finished reading Ronin by Frank Miller over the weekend, so now I need a new comic book to read. I'm thinking of The Umbrella Academy, but I'm gonna have to do some more research.

Until next time!

PBS

Revenge of the BEATS

2010-03-22T21:11:00.000-07:00

More music!

More magical music for your membranes!

I've been very industrious over the weekend, like a chipmunk. Like a chipmunk that collects phat beats instead of peanuts. Here's the latest from the paperbeatsscissors phactory: all new, all original music. Lyrics and composition by yours truly.

"Hound"

Instruments: Acoustic, Electric, Bass guitar, Accordion, Tambourine. Drums are a loop, accented by my own little rhythms. Supple-ly supplemented by my own pipes. Feast! Feast your ears!

Bonus! Here's the first of a new project I'm working on: Facebook.

One pen, two pen, red pen, blue pen. Two pens, one face - in under 30 minutes. Trying to upgrade my portrait skills, so expect more of these.... IN THE FUTURE!

Until the future...

PBS

Putting the BEATS in paperbeatsscissors.

2010-03-15T22:22:00.000-07:00

Because excellence never sleeps! And neither do I anymore.

So when I'm not busy working on my top secret web design project, I've been trying to get back into recording some music. My ultimate goal is to become a one man band. Not only will that free up my schedule a lot, but the chicks are great.

The first tune finished is a cover of The Postal Service(RESPECT)'s Such Great Heights. All the instruments are played by yours truly, minus the drum track and scratch pad. The instruments used are: Acoustic guitar, electric guitar, ukulele, bass, washbin drum, harmonica, and a whole lot of lovin'. Check it out...

Such Great Heights (Lost in Space Remix)

That can whet your musical palette until I can get some original stuff up here AND hopefully some new art soon.

Until next time!

PBS

Taste the rainbow...

2010-03-11T23:44:00.000-08:00

...the paperbeatsscissors rainbow.

Aim for failure, so you can always succeed!

2010-03-09T21:56:00.000-08:00

That's our new motto at paperbeatsscissors, especially in the blog department.

I haven't done any music recordings yet, but I promise I'll have one by the end of the week. Even if it's terrible! In fact, just to be safe, I promise a terrible recording by the end of the week.

There I go, setting myself up for success again. Man, I'm good.

The truth is, my fingers have been busy doing other things. No, not that, just coding the bejebus out of a online lookbook for a top secret client! That, and catching up on Lost... which I am still watching for the same reason I watch a spider drown when I flush it down the toilet. I just want to make sure it's dead.

But, anyway... top secret client. They'll be revealed in a few days, but until then I'll be venturing into some unknown territory... Facebook Apps. So be on the lookout for the paperbeatsscissors App that I'll be developing over the next few weeks.

Until next time!

PBS

Mad science and rhythm, together at last!

2010-03-01T21:04:00.000-08:00

Don't worry - It's not going to end like it did last time.

Using a combination of sexiness, voodoo, and duct tape I created my very own little Frankenstein drum set. These drums are much more well behaved than a Frankenstein man, although they do keep saying "father" over and over again in that lobotomy-retard voice... but I think I can beat it out of them.

HA! A free pun! Free pun for you, lowly pun-peasant!

Here are some pictures:

This is the completed bass drum. It's made out of an old granny-style washtub, some drop-cloth material used for painting, and a whole crap ton of duct tape. The skull appeared from thin air after I finished building the drum. I think I accidentally added some awesome magix, as I sometimes do.

This is the "before" picture of some slightly modified air duct piping that I used for the snare. The "naked corpse", if you will.

Aaand the finished product. Snare ingredients: 8 double-ended extendable hooks, 3 springs with eyelets and wall hangers to secure them, 2 Evans 14" drum heads, 1 piece of ductwork, tape, glue, and a smattering of tin foil.

I know you're all itching to hear the pHAt beats this thing lays down, and you won't have long to wait since I'm recording a few random things this week.

BUT until then you can go vote for my shirt on Threadless... if you haven't already. Or even if you have. Just click the button again, and maybe some of your secret longings will rub onto the keys and bump that 5 up to a 5¾. It's worth a try.

Until next time!

PBS

Pinch yourself...

2010-02-26T14:37:00.001-08:00

..because you might be dreaming, and if you're dreaming then you can't go vote on the newest shirt from PAPERBEATSSCISSORS at Threadless! Oh em gee! Check it out...

An otherworldly rendering of a classic tale. Am I full of creative jello, or have I just been watching too many episodes of LOST? In an alternate universe, Lewis Carroll was Japanese, Elvis is president, and fried chicken is bread!

Oh wait, that last one is real. We really are living in the future!

As a special bonus, I've included an original rendering of the Kyoutan Tochi design so you can see it in all of it's many-faceted, star-kissing beauty.

And as an even more extra special bonus, check out the original art that inspired this design.

Part of the blindingly awesome STICKER PROJECT. Check out the facebook album to learn about all the little jots and tittles of that project.

Stay in school.

Until next time!

PBS

You deserve this.

2010-02-25T09:48:00.000-08:00

Don't feel bad for indulging yourself. Two posts...within two days! If Santa were real, he would be so totally jealous of me now, since you just received the two best gifts ever, and it's not even Christmas. I can just imagine him shaking his merry little sausage-finger fist at me in jolly rage, as he sends Rudolph to take a dump on my deck.

Ahhh, it already feels like December again in here, instead of stupid March.

Here's a little tidbit that I've been meaning to share for a while. A Where the Wild Things Are tribute... fabric stitched on canvas.

So adorable, and yet... so sexy. This might possibly go up for sale soon, or be included as a magical FREE givaway if someone... anyone.... will buy one of the awesome and lonely shirts I have for sale on Etsy. BUT, if that happens you will only know about it on this blog, so go tell all your friends to come here and then hit them in the head with a lamp so they forgot why they came.

See how we both benefit? Good.

Until next time...

PBS

Wow, this is embarrassing

2010-02-24T07:23:00.000-08:00

There hasn't been a post here in like... two months.

You must be a loyal reader if you're seeing this, and I have rewarded your loyalty with failure. There has been no relevant, delicious news for you to soak your eyeballs in for two long months, and for that I am eternally penitent.

Although... they say that no news is good news, and in that case I've just given you two months of good news. A gift you undoubtedly squandered.

You're welcome, and I forgive you.

Don't worry, formerly loyal readers, I promise updates will be made full of savory knowledge soon!

Until then...

PBS

I thought we were friends...

2010-01-21T19:17:00.000-08:00

But I guess you only liked me for my good looks and charming personality, because there are still like 40 Mountain Man tees chilling in my apartment. Well, not exactly chilling. More like laying dejectedly in a cardboard box... like a homeless wino.

Do you think you're better than them? I know you have a lot of important sit-alone-in-my-basement-ing to do, but you could at least pretend like they exist. They don't even ask you for change or smell like potato armpits like most homeless people... all they want is a torso to embrace and someone to love forever and ever. It's the least you could do.

Anyway, they're available for sale here.

I have to hurry up and guilt-trip you so I can get back to watching Bram Stoker's Dracula. I've never seen it before, but I already can't understand why it took so long for vampires to become awesome. Why would you want to watch Twilight when you could see Keanu Reeves try to fake a British accent while the camera tries to shoot around Gary Oldman's towering boob hair. Seriously, the guy could keep bees in that thing... and how terrifying would that be? A Dracula that sucks your blood and stings you with trained bees. Oh man... I'll be sleeping with my covers extra tucked in tonight...

And speaking of bone-chilling bad guys:

Bonus art! A sketch of my new soon-to-be-famous supervillain CACTOPUS!

I know, wicked right? Don't feel bad if you just soiled yourself; it's a problem many people your age have. I guess I just solved the mystery of what you're going to be next Halloween.

You're welcome.

Until next time!

PBS

Boo!

2010-01-18T13:51:00.000-08:00

Scared you, didn't I? Weren't expecting to see me again, were you? Well, you won't get rid of me that easily.

I'll admit it... I've been gone for a while. I made some bold promises the last time I was here... promises that have, as of yet, gone undelivered.

OR HAVE THEY?

I , like the amnesic pizza boy who has suddenly recovered all of his memories after slipping in the bathroom and hitting his head on the toilet bowl, have returned to deliver the pizza of class and quality you, the fine reader, have demanded from me.

OR HAVE I?

Yes. Yes I have. But you have to admit, I had you going for a second.

The Mountain Man shirt is officially FOR SALE! And not the bad kind of "for sale" like what happened to your pet monkey Chee-chee after it got the ape-rage and bit the mailman. This is the good kind of "for sale" that means you can take it home and wear it lovingly forever until it disintegrates on your pale frame and blows away in the wind like some kind of extra-magical dandelion made of rainbows and joy.

And then you can buy another one!

Anyway, here are some screen-shots of the shirt in action. And by some, I mean "a" screen-shot.

Once again, the shirt was printed by those most excellent purveyors of wearable art at Veil Arms Clothing. Love them. Also, you might want to put on sunglasses to help shield your eyes from some of that manliness coming your way.

The shirt is going for a measly $18 + shipping on Etsy. You can even click the handy Etsy Mini link right over there ⇒. But wait! Extra bonus feature! If you can see me in real life and I don't have to get off my rapidly atrophying behind to mail it to you, you can get the shirt for a mere $15. Wow! You didn't even know that kind of benevolence existed.... until today.

Now wipe the tears of joy off your keyboard so you can go show me your appreciation.

On a more personal note: I think I'm turning into a mutant. Either that, or I've had some kind of terrible curse placed on me by the tooth fairy that is making teeth grow all up in my face. This would be ok if I was a shark or something, but it gets hard to eat when you have teeth in your throat. On the upside, I've decided to capitalize on my new powers by applying to the Justice League. There has to be some kind of feisty too-many-teeth mutant niche that has yet to be filled... Now all I need is a terrifying moniker like Sir Chomp-a-lot or Molar Man, some kind of teeth-themed outfit, and I can fight crime until my head eats my face like this guy.

Ugh. Horrifying.

Until next time...

PBS

CAUTION: This post full of value.

2010-01-04T08:58:00.000-08:00

You might want to be careful, because this post, much like Cillian Murphy's lips, is dangerously full. It's so full, you might want to stand back a little bit so you don't get soaked in quality when it explodes in a mushroom cloud of awesome.

Here's the deal. Paperbeatsscissors has a shirt up on Threadless! What does that mean for you? Not much, unless you get your tail over there right now and vote for the Mountain Man design. If the design wins, not only will you have the most rugged shirt you've ever owned, but I'll throw in FREE the extra fuzzy feelings you'll get from knowing that you're helping me get rich. Spiritually.

Here's the link for all you eager beavers reading this.

And while you're clicking that link, let this information sink into your brain:
I've already printed this shirt!

That's right. With the help of top secret science and magix I printed another version, in case you slackers don't pull through at Threadless. Here she is.

Shirt features:

Otherly colors: Some people like blue. Some people like yellow. At paperbeatsscissors, we love all of those people, because at least they're not one of those people who likes pink.
Manly beard: Are you tired of being made fun of and getting beat up? Then shut up and buy the Mountain Man shirt. The downy softness of the peach fuzz you're tenderly cultivating isn't getting the message across.
Camouflage: Keen yellow color cleverly hides pit stains, lemons, canaries, and low self-esteem.

Hold your horses! I know you're practically drooling on whatever lame shirt you're wearing right now, but you'll have to be uncool a little while longer. The shirts will be available to buy next week on Etsy. More on that later.

This tee is currently being printed by the very excellent people at Veil Arms Clothing. They have some super great tee designs and are way awesome in general, so go check out their blog and website.

Until next time!

PBS

The only gift you will ever love.

2009-12-23T19:10:00.000-08:00

Yes, I said it. You were thinking it anyway, so I said it. I predict you will receive the gift of awesome this Christmas... and my prediction just came true. I know you were worried you weren't going to get anything good this year, but paperbeatsscissors has not forgotten you! Put down your flaccid stocking and rejoice, for this is the Christmas that excellence squeezes its fat paunch down your chimney.

Ok... so I didn't actually get you anything... at least, not anything you know about. See, I knew if I got you something you'd feel obligated to buy me something in return, so I saved you a trip to the Wal-Mart and 10 bucks and bought myself a copy of Home Alone on VHS. The VHS has more childhood magic. There's nothing like the Christmas memory of blowing into the VCR slot or unsuccessfully trying to shove the tape in because you didn't realize your brother was playing "black hole" and dropped three Lego families in there first. Ah, the golden cheer. Just let that warm your cockles for a minute.

Ok. Stop warming your cockles. You're freaking me out.

COMING SOON! A huge announcement. Value has just been added to this blog in a way that you can only dream of in your most special dreams. The ones with the bear in the cottage cheese hat that sings 90's pop ballads like Don't Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith, and where your bed is made of cotton candy dumplings. Check back soon.

PBS

Valuable news update!

2009-12-18T12:15:00.001-08:00

I forgot to buy deodorant at the store...

Victory! Excellence! Respect!

2009-12-17T21:07:00.000-08:00

That's right! Three for the price of one! All here, all now. Hot and fresh, like apple pies baked with love and American justice.

Excellence pie number one:

Recently completed project! Hot off the presses, hot on the floor.
This Nintendo controller was tenderly crafted for a youth center using Krylon spray paint, two large pieces of cardboard, packing tape, and the strength of 1,000 eagles.

Took approximately 6 hours.

In other news:

Today was grocery day. I did not want to get groceries, but the majestic forest of wrong smells coming from my fridge told me that if I wanted to eat tonight I had two choices: Go shopping, or enjoy some onion-scented diarrhea. Germs were building lavish seaside condos in my spinach, and I think my milk was trying to grow a face. It took three garbage bags to hold the stench in, so I looked like some kind of terrible, stinky-spinach Santa, who comes to little boys and girls who pee the bed and don't bathe properly.

(Did you feel how festive it just got in here? Is there nothing this blog doesn't offer?)

That might have just been a double negative. If so, add that to the list of things this blog offers.

Here's the good news: On my way to the store I found this gem...

I know it's hard to read since it's written in crayon, but the cardboard sign on the left says "cHilDcaRe". Now, I know what you're thinking... "How can so much vision and success be in one place at the same time?"

Answer: Good old-fashioned American moxie.

This humble picture embodies the soaring spirit of paperbeatsscissors. Do we have fancy, state-of-the-art toys? Do we have technology? Do we follow "health codes"? No. But, what we do have is the chain-link fence of morality, the toilet chair of quality, and the duct tape of love. Yes! Be inspired!

PBS

Welcome to the winning team.

2009-12-14T16:31:00.000-08:00

Hi, welcome to paperbeatsscissors: your new best friend.

"Wait a minute," you say, "I already HAVE a best friend. He lives out of state but we promised to keep in touch through Facebook."

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you don't have any friends. Those people that hang around you are just people your parents paid to keep you from crying, breaking things, and bothering them while they were doing crossword puzzles.

Yes, I know you're sad. But if you wipe the tears from your eyes and read the first sentence again, you'll understand why you should be happy.

Finally, you can understand that paperbeatsscissors has ALWAYS been there for you. Was little Jeffery there for you when your hamster died? No. In fact, little Jeffery was the one who killed Mr. Crumbles, because he was abnormally nearsighted for his age and couldn't tell the difference between a hamster and a whiffle ball. I'm sorry you have to hear it from me, but I thought you should know. Was Bethany there when you thought you didn't make the cut for the school play based on the song Bohemian Rhapsody, and then found out you did make the cut, and then got your Freddy Mercury perm caught in the gaffing, and then you wished you had never made the cut in the first place? No. She was too busy trying out for varsity cheerleading and kissing boys named Keith. Who bought you a snow-cone and sang you the Full House theme song? Not Bethany, that's for darn sure.

Here's the thing: These people mean well. Your "friends" want you to succeed... as long as that doesn't mean you make more money than them, have a smaller waist than them, or have better party jokes than them. Your parents don't love you, but they do let you live in their basement and watch Spongebob Squarepants reruns all day, so that counts for something.

You are an abandoned infant, swaddled in a greasy McGriddle wrapper, left on my doorstep with three dollars in nickles and a slice of white bread... and until now you've been suckled on the malformed teet of failure. Now, prepare to be spoon-fed the double quarter-pound cheeseburger of AWESOME that is PAPERBEATSSCISSORS.

Here, you'll find samples of my current art projects, updates on forthcoming tee/clothing designs and other valuable information such as:

When was the last time I washed my sheets?
How long can I hold my breath?
How can you be as cool as me?

Haha! Yes, you're right, that last one was a joke. You can't be as cool as me, but you can try and fail, and we can all have a good laugh.

Until next time.

PBS