There hasn't been a post here in like... two months.
You must be a loyal reader if you're seeing this, and I have rewarded your loyalty with failure. There has been no relevant, delicious news for you to soak your eyeballs in for two long months, and for that I am eternally penitent.
Although... they say that no news is good news, and in that case I've just given you two months of good news. A gift you undoubtedly squandered.
You're welcome, and I forgive you.
Don't worry, formerly loyal readers, I promise updates will be made full of savory knowledge soon!
Until then...
PBS
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
I thought we were friends...
But I guess you only liked me for my good looks and charming personality, because there are still like 40 Mountain Man tees chilling in my apartment. Well, not exactly chilling. More like laying dejectedly in a cardboard box... like a homeless wino.
Do you think you're better than them? I know you have a lot of important sit-alone-in-my-basement-ing to do, but you could at least pretend like they exist. They don't even ask you for change or smell like potato armpits like most homeless people... all they want is a torso to embrace and someone to love forever and ever. It's the least you could do.
Anyway, they're available for sale here.
I have to hurry up and guilt-trip you so I can get back to watching Bram Stoker's Dracula. I've never seen it before, but I already can't understand why it took so long for vampires to become awesome. Why would you want to watch Twilight when you could see Keanu Reeves try to fake a British accent while the camera tries to shoot around Gary Oldman's towering boob hair. Seriously, the guy could keep bees in that thing... and how terrifying would that be? A Dracula that sucks your blood and stings you with trained bees. Oh man... I'll be sleeping with my covers extra tucked in tonight...
And speaking of bone-chilling bad guys:
Bonus art! A sketch of my new soon-to-be-famous supervillain CACTOPUS!
I know, wicked right? Don't feel bad if you just soiled yourself; it's a problem many people your age have. I guess I just solved the mystery of what you're going to be next Halloween.
You're welcome.
Until next time!
PBS
Do you think you're better than them? I know you have a lot of important sit-alone-in-my-basement-ing to do, but you could at least pretend like they exist. They don't even ask you for change or smell like potato armpits like most homeless people... all they want is a torso to embrace and someone to love forever and ever. It's the least you could do.
Anyway, they're available for sale here.
I have to hurry up and guilt-trip you so I can get back to watching Bram Stoker's Dracula. I've never seen it before, but I already can't understand why it took so long for vampires to become awesome. Why would you want to watch Twilight when you could see Keanu Reeves try to fake a British accent while the camera tries to shoot around Gary Oldman's towering boob hair. Seriously, the guy could keep bees in that thing... and how terrifying would that be? A Dracula that sucks your blood and stings you with trained bees. Oh man... I'll be sleeping with my covers extra tucked in tonight...
And speaking of bone-chilling bad guys:
Bonus art! A sketch of my new soon-to-be-famous supervillain CACTOPUS!
I know, wicked right? Don't feel bad if you just soiled yourself; it's a problem many people your age have. I guess I just solved the mystery of what you're going to be next Halloween.
You're welcome.
Until next time!
PBS
Monday, January 18, 2010
Boo!
Scared you, didn't I? Weren't expecting to see me again, were you? Well, you won't get rid of me that easily.
I'll admit it... I've been gone for a while. I made some bold promises the last time I was here... promises that have, as of yet, gone undelivered.
OR HAVE THEY?
I , like the amnesic pizza boy who has suddenly recovered all of his memories after slipping in the bathroom and hitting his head on the toilet bowl, have returned to deliver the pizza of class and quality you, the fine reader, have demanded from me.
OR HAVE I?
Yes. Yes I have. But you have to admit, I had you going for a second.
The Mountain Man shirt is officially FOR SALE! And not the bad kind of "for sale" like what happened to your pet monkey Chee-chee after it got the ape-rage and bit the mailman. This is the good kind of "for sale" that means you can take it home and wear it lovingly forever until it disintegrates on your pale frame and blows away in the wind like some kind of extra-magical dandelion made of rainbows and joy.
And then you can buy another one!
Anyway, here are some screen-shots of the shirt in action. And by some, I mean "a" screen-shot.
Once again, the shirt was printed by those most excellent purveyors of wearable art at Veil Arms Clothing. Love them. Also, you might want to put on sunglasses to help shield your eyes from some of that manliness coming your way.
The shirt is going for a measly $18 + shipping on Etsy. You can even click the handy Etsy Mini link right over there ⇒. But wait! Extra bonus feature! If you can see me in real life and I don't have to get off my rapidly atrophying behind to mail it to you, you can get the shirt for a mere $15. Wow! You didn't even know that kind of benevolence existed.... until today.
Now wipe the tears of joy off your keyboard so you can go show me your appreciation.
On a more personal note: I think I'm turning into a mutant. Either that, or I've had some kind of terrible curse placed on me by the tooth fairy that is making teeth grow all up in my face. This would be ok if I was a shark or something, but it gets hard to eat when you have teeth in your throat. On the upside, I've decided to capitalize on my new powers by applying to the Justice League. There has to be some kind of feisty too-many-teeth mutant niche that has yet to be filled... Now all I need is a terrifying moniker like Sir Chomp-a-lot or Molar Man, some kind of teeth-themed outfit, and I can fight crime until my head eats my face like this guy.
Ugh. Horrifying.
Until next time...
PBS
I'll admit it... I've been gone for a while. I made some bold promises the last time I was here... promises that have, as of yet, gone undelivered.
OR HAVE THEY?
I , like the amnesic pizza boy who has suddenly recovered all of his memories after slipping in the bathroom and hitting his head on the toilet bowl, have returned to deliver the pizza of class and quality you, the fine reader, have demanded from me.
OR HAVE I?
Yes. Yes I have. But you have to admit, I had you going for a second.
The Mountain Man shirt is officially FOR SALE! And not the bad kind of "for sale" like what happened to your pet monkey Chee-chee after it got the ape-rage and bit the mailman. This is the good kind of "for sale" that means you can take it home and wear it lovingly forever until it disintegrates on your pale frame and blows away in the wind like some kind of extra-magical dandelion made of rainbows and joy.
And then you can buy another one!
Anyway, here are some screen-shots of the shirt in action. And by some, I mean "a" screen-shot.
Once again, the shirt was printed by those most excellent purveyors of wearable art at Veil Arms Clothing. Love them. Also, you might want to put on sunglasses to help shield your eyes from some of that manliness coming your way.
The shirt is going for a measly $18 + shipping on Etsy. You can even click the handy Etsy Mini link right over there ⇒. But wait! Extra bonus feature! If you can see me in real life and I don't have to get off my rapidly atrophying behind to mail it to you, you can get the shirt for a mere $15. Wow! You didn't even know that kind of benevolence existed.... until today.
Now wipe the tears of joy off your keyboard so you can go show me your appreciation.
On a more personal note: I think I'm turning into a mutant. Either that, or I've had some kind of terrible curse placed on me by the tooth fairy that is making teeth grow all up in my face. This would be ok if I was a shark or something, but it gets hard to eat when you have teeth in your throat. On the upside, I've decided to capitalize on my new powers by applying to the Justice League. There has to be some kind of feisty too-many-teeth mutant niche that has yet to be filled... Now all I need is a terrifying moniker like Sir Chomp-a-lot or Molar Man, some kind of teeth-themed outfit, and I can fight crime until my head eats my face like this guy.
Ugh. Horrifying.
Until next time...
PBS
Monday, January 4, 2010
CAUTION: This post full of value.
You might want to be careful, because this post, much like Cillian Murphy's lips, is dangerously full. It's so full, you might want to stand back a little bit so you don't get soaked in quality when it explodes in a mushroom cloud of awesome.
Here's the deal. Paperbeatsscissors has a shirt up on Threadless! What does that mean for you? Not much, unless you get your tail over there right now and vote for the Mountain Man design. If the design wins, not only will you have the most rugged shirt you've ever owned, but I'll throw in FREE the extra fuzzy feelings you'll get from knowing that you're helping me get rich. Spiritually.
Here's the link for all you eager beavers reading this.
And while you're clicking that link, let this information sink into your brain:
I've already printed this shirt!
That's right. With the help of top secret science and magix I printed another version, in case you slackers don't pull through at Threadless. Here she is.
Shirt features:
Hold your horses! I know you're practically drooling on whatever lame shirt you're wearing right now, but you'll have to be uncool a little while longer. The shirts will be available to buy next week on Etsy. More on that later.
This tee is currently being printed by the very excellent people at Veil Arms Clothing. They have some super great tee designs and are way awesome in general, so go check out their blog and website.
Until next time!
PBS
Here's the deal. Paperbeatsscissors has a shirt up on Threadless! What does that mean for you? Not much, unless you get your tail over there right now and vote for the Mountain Man design. If the design wins, not only will you have the most rugged shirt you've ever owned, but I'll throw in FREE the extra fuzzy feelings you'll get from knowing that you're helping me get rich. Spiritually.
Here's the link for all you eager beavers reading this.
And while you're clicking that link, let this information sink into your brain:
I've already printed this shirt!
That's right. With the help of top secret science and magix I printed another version, in case you slackers don't pull through at Threadless. Here she is.
Shirt features:
- Otherly colors: Some people like blue. Some people like yellow. At paperbeatsscissors, we love all of those people, because at least they're not one of those people who likes pink.
- Manly beard: Are you tired of being made fun of and getting beat up? Then shut up and buy the Mountain Man shirt. The downy softness of the peach fuzz you're tenderly cultivating isn't getting the message across.
- Camouflage: Keen yellow color cleverly hides pit stains, lemons, canaries, and low self-esteem.
Hold your horses! I know you're practically drooling on whatever lame shirt you're wearing right now, but you'll have to be uncool a little while longer. The shirts will be available to buy next week on Etsy. More on that later.
This tee is currently being printed by the very excellent people at Veil Arms Clothing. They have some super great tee designs and are way awesome in general, so go check out their blog and website.
Until next time!
PBS
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
The only gift you will ever love.
Yes, I said it. You were thinking it anyway, so I said it. I predict you will receive the gift of awesome this Christmas... and my prediction just came true. I know you were worried you weren't going to get anything good this year, but paperbeatsscissors has not forgotten you! Put down your flaccid stocking and rejoice, for this is the Christmas that excellence squeezes its fat paunch down your chimney.
Ok... so I didn't actually get you anything... at least, not anything you know about. See, I knew if I got you something you'd feel obligated to buy me something in return, so I saved you a trip to the Wal-Mart and 10 bucks and bought myself a copy of Home Alone on VHS. The VHS has more childhood magic. There's nothing like the Christmas memory of blowing into the VCR slot or unsuccessfully trying to shove the tape in because you didn't realize your brother was playing "black hole" and dropped three Lego families in there first. Ah, the golden cheer. Just let that warm your cockles for a minute.
Ok. Stop warming your cockles. You're freaking me out.
COMING SOON! A huge announcement. Value has just been added to this blog in a way that you can only dream of in your most special dreams. The ones with the bear in the cottage cheese hat that sings 90's pop ballads like Don't Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith, and where your bed is made of cotton candy dumplings. Check back soon.
PBS
Ok... so I didn't actually get you anything... at least, not anything you know about. See, I knew if I got you something you'd feel obligated to buy me something in return, so I saved you a trip to the Wal-Mart and 10 bucks and bought myself a copy of Home Alone on VHS. The VHS has more childhood magic. There's nothing like the Christmas memory of blowing into the VCR slot or unsuccessfully trying to shove the tape in because you didn't realize your brother was playing "black hole" and dropped three Lego families in there first. Ah, the golden cheer. Just let that warm your cockles for a minute.
Ok. Stop warming your cockles. You're freaking me out.
COMING SOON! A huge announcement. Value has just been added to this blog in a way that you can only dream of in your most special dreams. The ones with the bear in the cottage cheese hat that sings 90's pop ballads like Don't Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith, and where your bed is made of cotton candy dumplings. Check back soon.
PBS
Friday, December 18, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Victory! Excellence! Respect!
That's right! Three for the price of one! All here, all now. Hot and fresh, like apple pies baked with love and American justice.
Excellence pie number one:
Recently completed project! Hot off the presses, hot on the floor.
This Nintendo controller was tenderly crafted for a youth center using Krylon spray paint, two large pieces of cardboard, packing tape, and the strength of 1,000 eagles.
Took approximately 6 hours.
In other news:
Today was grocery day. I did not want to get groceries, but the majestic forest of wrong smells coming from my fridge told me that if I wanted to eat tonight I had two choices: Go shopping, or enjoy some onion-scented diarrhea. Germs were building lavish seaside condos in my spinach, and I think my milk was trying to grow a face. It took three garbage bags to hold the stench in, so I looked like some kind of terrible, stinky-spinach Santa, who comes to little boys and girls who pee the bed and don't bathe properly.
(Did you feel how festive it just got in here? Is there nothing this blog doesn't offer?)
That might have just been a double negative. If so, add that to the list of things this blog offers.
Here's the good news: On my way to the store I found this gem...
I know it's hard to read since it's written in crayon, but the cardboard sign on the left says "cHilDcaRe". Now, I know what you're thinking... "How can so much vision and success be in one place at the same time?"
Answer: Good old-fashioned American moxie.
This humble picture embodies the soaring spirit of paperbeatsscissors. Do we have fancy, state-of-the-art toys? Do we have technology? Do we follow "health codes"? No. But, what we do have is the chain-link fence of morality, the toilet chair of quality, and the duct tape of love. Yes! Be inspired!
PBS
Excellence pie number one:
Recently completed project! Hot off the presses, hot on the floor.This Nintendo controller was tenderly crafted for a youth center using Krylon spray paint, two large pieces of cardboard, packing tape, and the strength of 1,000 eagles.
Took approximately 6 hours.
In other news:
Today was grocery day. I did not want to get groceries, but the majestic forest of wrong smells coming from my fridge told me that if I wanted to eat tonight I had two choices: Go shopping, or enjoy some onion-scented diarrhea. Germs were building lavish seaside condos in my spinach, and I think my milk was trying to grow a face. It took three garbage bags to hold the stench in, so I looked like some kind of terrible, stinky-spinach Santa, who comes to little boys and girls who pee the bed and don't bathe properly.
(Did you feel how festive it just got in here? Is there nothing this blog doesn't offer?)
That might have just been a double negative. If so, add that to the list of things this blog offers.
Here's the good news: On my way to the store I found this gem...
I know it's hard to read since it's written in crayon, but the cardboard sign on the left says "cHilDcaRe". Now, I know what you're thinking... "How can so much vision and success be in one place at the same time?"
Answer: Good old-fashioned American moxie.
This humble picture embodies the soaring spirit of paperbeatsscissors. Do we have fancy, state-of-the-art toys? Do we have technology? Do we follow "health codes"? No. But, what we do have is the chain-link fence of morality, the toilet chair of quality, and the duct tape of love. Yes! Be inspired!
PBS
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