New news, that is also late!

Yes, this news is new. It's lateness, however, is old. Almost three weeks old in fact.

I'm sorry. I can't help it that I'm very busy creating excellence with every magical breath I take. The updates you see in this blog are the only physical evidence of my very short breaks in a daily schedule that consists of sketching, Internet, fighting wizards, feeding orphans, more sketching, work, rocking babies, and loving America. If doing all that is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

Also, why do you hate America and babies?

Anyway, here's the news:



YES! The Most Excellent and Revered KYOUTAN TOCHI tee is now available to buy. Buy it now, and feel its ancient voodoo wrapping your torso in a soft, fluffy layer of enchantment.

Shirt features:

• Tradition: Imagine you were eating Ramen Noodles while riding Godzilla, dressed as a Sailor Moon character and wearing a Samurai helmet when you get a call on your Gatchaman wristwatch and find out you've just won ten jillion yen. This shirt is still better.


• Loveable Characters: Alice and the Cheshire Cat, but not boring anymore.
  


• Possible Magic Powers?: I think I accidentally trapped the spirit of a Ronin in a few of these shirts, so they may or may not have the secret urge to avenge the death of their master.
  

How could you not want this shirt? Are you stupid? You might not think so, but if you find yourself without the unbearable urge to buy a Kyoutan Tochi tee, you may, at the very least, have some stupid trapped in your brain.

You might want to take care of that now, because the longer it's in there, the bigger it's going to get. Pretty soon you'll have to find some scientists you can shrink down, put in a tiny submarine, and inject directly into your fatty tissue so they can go find the source and laZer it out.

Plus, you don't want to have to worry about them bumping into something important while they're in there, and for the rest of your life every time someone says the word "broccoli" you pee your pants.

Wouldn't just buying a tee be much easier? I think so.

Until next time,

Still freaky

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Keepin' it real...

Oh snap. Looks like it just got phresh to deth in here.

Download the wallpaper!

Censor Ship

What the ?

Paperbeatsscissors + Science = Magic

Eff bomb! Through the power of Internet, it has been revealed to me that last weeks post was accidentally SUPER SCIENTIFIC!

Turns out, there's actually such a thing as a Ghost Shark. Science! You crafty curmudgeon! You're always sneaking sciency things on me. That's why I love you.

I decided to ask Google if it had seen a Ghost Shark lying around, and this is what I found:



I know...

With a name like GHOST SHARK, I guess I expected it to be a little more... uh... creepy. Instead, it just kind of looks like this ye olde fashioned Bugs Bunny drawing.



What's the deal, Ghost Shark? Why are you so wacky? You should be out there being ultra-creepy... or at least slightly translucent. You are lame, Ghost Shark.

Using more science, and a post-it note I had on my desk, I generated this anatomically correct drawing of what the REAL Ghost Shark would look like. Knowledge, next to a good offense, is the best defense.



Man, this blog is so full of knowledge it's like some kind of knowledge piñata just waiting to be hit with the baseball bat that is your computer screen, spilling its delicious content all over your greedy brain. Yum.

Until next time...

PBS

Halloweeners

Guess what? Halloween's almost here!

Yes! Another excuse to eat candy!

In recognition of, what some people would call "the devil's birthday" and what others might call "not a real holiday", I'm offering this ultra ripe desktop wallpaper for download! Cower!

Get the "Where is Thy Sting?" wallpaper here.

Oh man, I just realized I accidentally used an exclamation mark on every sentence in that pre-wallpaper text up there. This post was supposed to be eerie, but now it just looks exciting. You're just going to have to pretend that the exclamation marks are because I'm yelling to you from somewhere in the bowels of some super-sketchy old house in kind of a freaked-out way. And instead of "Download this excellent free wallpaper!" I might be yelling something like, "Don't come down here!" or, "I can't feel my legs!"

And then, it would help if you imagined that you didn't listen to me, but instead followed my haunting screams into said sketchy house, and that you didn't tell anyone where you were going. You think you hear some weird noises, but that was probably just the wind creaking. You're descending the smelly stairs, following the faint sound of my voice, when suddenly the stair breaks right underneath your foot!

Now your leg is stuck. Awesome.

Suddenly you hear heavy breathing, and Nat King Cole's "Unforgettable" starts playing. The distinct smell of low tide fills your nostrils. You look behind you and, to your utter horror, you see the semi-translucent smile of a big... giant...

GHOST SHARK!

And he doesn't have fins like a regular shark, he has like... crab hands... and in those crab hands, he's carrying one of those creepy old baby dolls that goes to sleep when you lean it backwards. He also has a bowl cut.

...And an eye patch.

You try to scream, but you just pee your pants, and maybe poop a little bit too. And as you sit there, he just stares at you with his one, soulless, beady eye, as if to say, "Ha! I know you can't move! I will devour you at my leisure, saving your tender parts for last!"

Can you feel his steely gaze!? It bores into your very soul! It eats crumbly things in the bed of your heart! Fear the GHOST SHARK! Fear him!

Ha. NOW you're creeped out. I'm sorry if you actually did poop and/or pee your pants back there. That can happen when your mind is so entranced.

Until next time...

PBS

NEWS: Tee sales up! Your coolness level still dangerously low

Yes! I'm happy to report that tee sales for the Mountain Man tee have doubled!

Unfortunately, doubling zero still equals nothing.

Ha! I jest! I jest you! I also test you. The T and J are interchangeable in that sentence. A true friend of PBS would have known that we have sold many shirts; almost too many to count. Especially if you can only count to 12.

Here's the problem: I still have a lot of shirts in my closet. Actually what I mean is, here's the GOOD NEWS: There is still SO much sexy love waiting to be spread, like a delicious cinnamon butter, on the Pillsbury bun hearts of your friends, that my lowly closet can no longer contain it's righteousness.

There's really only one thing standing between your friends and the happiest day of their lives:

You.

Why do you hate your friends so much? They have just as much a right to be happy as you do, even though they can't leave the house without supervision. Maybe you just don't want them to surpass your coolness level. Ok, I get it... I think we've all been there. But let's face it, you weren't very cool to begin with, and the longer you deprive other people of joy, the smaller and more shriveled your heart becomes. What's next? Hitting puppies with a rake? Punching grandmas? It's a slippery slope.

Maybe you're just doubting the power of the Mountain Man. Well, I don't want to drop names, but Internet gave me this picture, and I think it'll squelch those thoughts out of your brain.



Until next time...

PBS