Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Career Awesome

I think you and I both know what time it is...

It's time for you to get serious about being awesome. You keep saying, in kind of a whiny tone, "Why can't I be cool like the other kids I know? What do they have that I don't have?" The real question you should be asking is "What do I have that they don't have?"... things like acne, abnormally large eyes, a penchant for standing too close to people when you talk... the list goes on. Then go BACK to your first question and ask yourself what THEY have, which is probably a list containing one single thing: PAPERBEATSSCISSORS. Let me break this down for you:

Paperbeatsscissors isn't so much a place that has awesome tee shirts and makes killer websites as it is a LIFESTYLE. And if you're living the PBS lifestyle, that means you're not living other lifestyles that probably include meth, crying, and regular beatings.

Take these young men for example; Can you spot the one who daily proclaims his love for PBS?

I think you see what I mean. The two children on the left obviously spend 80-85% of their time with their hands either up their nose or down their pants. They're probably well on their way to becoming career criminals, and are generally on the Greyhound bus to Failure Town. On the other hand, the young man on the right obviously has a healthy respect for cats and above average hygiene. These are just a few of the ways you can spot someone who is PBS certified.

I hope this information helps you understand why you suck. We were all getting tired of talking about it quietly behind your back.

Until next time...


Monday, September 20, 2010

Old guys

Hey, guess what?

A nifty GIF, that's what. Just for you. Every pixel loving hand sewn, while I was thinking of you and how super sexy you are.

Check it.

That's right! The late, late senator Robert Byrd, getting riled up about something. Use this GIF to express your anger, outrage, disdain, etc.

Not enough? Ok, have this:

A free "Robert Byrd Stamp of Disapproval™"

Put it in an email, put it in a soup! Express your stern disapproval! Revoke your tender approval! Above all, enjoy.

Until next time...


Thursday, September 16, 2010

Identity theft

Something terrible happened. And when I say "something" I'm assuming you were too lazy to read the title of this post.

This is an actual REAL email I got in my paperbeatsscissors Gmail account a few days ago.

From: John

Subject: the tune

Hey Tim,

about 12 sec in is when the stumming starts and the drums and more plugged in sound could start.

lemme know what you think,


ps which address?

I'm going to ignore his grammatical errors and the fact that he spelled my name wrong and focus on the fact that John sent this email to not one, but TWO nearly identical email addresses; one of which was not mine.

Naturally, this raised a lot of questions:

  • Who is this "Tim"? If that's even his name.

  • Why is he so almost awesome?

  • Could he be some sort of Bizarro Chris?

  • Is he looking to invest in a small business that might also be almost his email address?

It's a tough call. There's a slim chance that he's a nice guy. There's a much larger chance that we're already mortal enemies.

I mean, what if he's out there soiling the Paperbeatsscissors name? Instead of making sexy t-shirts and helping old people lift heavy objects, he could be punching babies in the neck or using all the toilet paper and not replacing the roll!

I hope, for his sake, that he's not. Because if he is, he's going to need a life raft to stay afloat on the ocean of sarcastic comments and uncomfortably long stares I'll be sending his way… a life raft that I will subsequently sink with the gnarly shark teeth of my secret loathing.

Tim, if you're even real, do the right thing. Leave Internet. Leave, and never come back.

Until next time…


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I hope you're hungry...

Because there's real, actual news in this post. Delicious, piping hot news baked fresh for you to chew up with your eyeball-teeth and swallow down to the stomach of your brain. I know you've been worried about your figure, so this post is also full of nutritious vitamins. Not that I think you need to diet, because I'll love you even if your brain gets love handles and has to buy slightly larger pants. I got with you for your sexy brain personality, not your sexy brain body, and I hope you understand that.

Anyway, the excellent news is... THE NEW VEIL ARMS SITE HAS LAUNCHED!

Easy... chew slowly. I don't want you to gag on how awesome that news is and force me to give you some sort of virtual Heimlich maneuver.

That's right, my good buddies over at veilarms.com asked me to redesign their site, and it is now sleeker, sexier and more confident than it has ever been. It was only launched yesterday, and it already asked out three girls and started dressing more professionally.

Scamper over there now and check it out, and while you're over there, don't forget to check out Veil Arms' almost frighteningly long list of things they do awesomely, not the least of which is printing the extra-great Mountain Man Tee! (Which you can buy right over there →)

Ok, that's enough news for today, chubby.

Until next time...


Saturday, September 11, 2010

News again.

Well, I'm back from my swass trip to Portland, OR and subsequent roadtrip to Tawas MI. We saw many awesome things, and I, personally, did much awesome repping for PBS. Based on the complicated and scientific research I did, I created this infographic:

It's not hard to find people who love beards. It's not hard to find people who wear shirts. So you can imagine what people were saying when they came to me saying "Oh man, I totally wish I could have a beard ON a shirt. That would be so the bee's knees!"

And I would say "Oh yeah? Check this out..." and tear off my boring, plain shirt that is cleverly concealing the much more baller Mountain Man tee.

Well, actually, people were saying NOTHING because they were busy getting a fresh pair of undies after soiling, in excitement, the ones they were currently wearing.

That being said, we really haven't sold any more shirts. So come on people... your future called, and it said you suck.

In conclusion, here's a valuable tip I received on my trip:

You've been warned.

Until next time...