Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The only gift you will ever love.

Yes, I said it. You were thinking it anyway, so I said it. I predict you will receive the gift of awesome this Christmas... and my prediction just came true. I know you were worried you weren't going to get anything good this year, but paperbeatsscissors has not forgotten you! Put down your flaccid stocking and rejoice, for this is the Christmas that excellence squeezes its fat paunch down your chimney.

Ok... so I didn't actually get you anything... at least, not anything you know about. See, I knew if I got you something you'd feel obligated to buy me something in return, so I saved you a trip to the Wal-Mart and 10 bucks and bought myself a copy of Home Alone on VHS. The VHS has more childhood magic. There's nothing like the Christmas memory of blowing into the VCR slot or unsuccessfully trying to shove the tape in because you didn't realize your brother was playing "black hole" and dropped three Lego families in there first. Ah, the golden cheer. Just let that warm your cockles for a minute.

Ok. Stop warming your cockles. You're freaking me out.

COMING SOON! A huge announcement. Value has just been added to this blog in a way that you can only dream of in your most special dreams. The ones with the bear in the cottage cheese hat that sings 90's pop ballads like Don't Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith, and where your bed is made of cotton candy dumplings. Check back soon.


Friday, December 18, 2009

Valuable news update!

I forgot to buy deodorant at the store...

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Victory! Excellence! Respect!

That's right! Three for the price of one! All here, all now. Hot and fresh, like apple pies baked with love and American justice.

Excellence pie number one:

Recently completed project! Hot off the presses, hot on the floor.
This Nintendo controller was tenderly crafted for a youth center using Krylon spray paint, two large pieces of cardboard, packing tape, and the strength of 1,000 eagles.

Took approximately 6 hours.

In other news:

Today was grocery day. I did not want to get groceries, but the majestic forest of wrong smells coming from my fridge told me that if I wanted to eat tonight I had two choices: Go shopping, or enjoy some onion-scented diarrhea. Germs were building lavish seaside condos in my spinach, and I think my milk was trying to grow a face. It took three garbage bags to hold the stench in, so I looked like some kind of terrible, stinky-spinach Santa, who comes to little boys and girls who pee the bed and don't bathe properly.

(Did you feel how festive it just got in here? Is there nothing this blog doesn't offer?)

That might have just been a double negative. If so, add that to the list of things this blog offers.

Here's the good news: On my way to the store I found this gem...

I know it's hard to read since it's written in crayon, but the cardboard sign on the left says "cHilDcaRe". Now, I know what you're thinking... "How can so much vision and success be in one place at the same time?"

Answer: Good old-fashioned American moxie.

This humble picture embodies the soaring spirit of paperbeatsscissors. Do we have fancy, state-of-the-art toys? Do we have technology? Do we follow "health codes"? No. But, what we do have is the chain-link fence of morality, the toilet chair of quality, and the duct tape of love. Yes! Be inspired!


Monday, December 14, 2009

Welcome to the winning team.

Hi, welcome to paperbeatsscissors: your new best friend.

"Wait a minute," you say, "I already HAVE a best friend. He lives out of state but we promised to keep in touch through Facebook."

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you don't have any friends. Those people that hang around you are just people your parents paid to keep you from crying, breaking things, and bothering them while they were doing crossword puzzles.

Yes, I know you're sad. But if you wipe the tears from your eyes and read the first sentence again, you'll understand why you should be happy.

Finally, you can understand that paperbeatsscissors has ALWAYS been there for you. Was little Jeffery there for you when your hamster died? No. In fact, little Jeffery was the one who killed Mr. Crumbles, because he was abnormally nearsighted for his age and couldn't tell the difference between a hamster and a whiffle ball. I'm sorry you have to hear it from me, but I thought you should know. Was Bethany there when you thought you didn't make the cut for the school play based on the song Bohemian Rhapsody, and then found out you did make the cut, and then got your Freddy Mercury perm caught in the gaffing, and then you wished you had never made the cut in the first place? No. She was too busy trying out for varsity cheerleading and kissing boys named Keith. Who bought you a snow-cone and sang you the Full House theme song? Not Bethany, that's for darn sure.

Here's the thing: These people mean well. Your "friends" want you to succeed... as long as that doesn't mean you make more money than them, have a smaller waist than them, or have better party jokes than them. Your parents don't love you, but they do let you live in their basement and watch Spongebob Squarepants reruns all day, so that counts for something.

You are an abandoned infant, swaddled in a greasy McGriddle wrapper, left on my doorstep with three dollars in nickles and a slice of white bread... and until now you've been suckled on the malformed teet of failure. Now, prepare to be spoon-fed the double quarter-pound cheeseburger of AWESOME that is PAPERBEATSSCISSORS.

Here, you'll find samples of my current art projects, updates on forthcoming tee/clothing designs and other valuable information such as:
  • When was the last time I washed my sheets?
  • How long can I hold my breath?
  • How can you be as cool as me?

Haha! Yes, you're right, that last one was a joke. You can't be as cool as me, but you can try and fail, and we can all have a good laugh.

Until next time.