One more thing for you to not care about

Hey guess what, ungrateful people. I got a Tumblr.

For two reasons:

One - Apparently, some people can't be bothered to mosey on over to Blogger and care about important things like baby dolphins and world peace. I know it's not the right thing to do, but I'm catering to their laziness. I'm hoping my motherly love will help them see the error of their ways... or at least that my motherly look of soft tenderness and disappointment will guilt them into paying attention to me.

Two - Rather than posting a pixel art every three seconds, the Tumblr will be PIXEL EXCLUSIVE. I guess I'm just too prolific to have room for my barrels of mage-like art on one blog.

SO, there is a NEW pixel art over there right now. Yes! Right now! It's there! Go look at it!

TUMBLRRRRR

Until next time...

¡Paper!

Wholly Crap!

just got real up in this bizzzzzzatch!

My Droid Feelings posters are now on Buzzfeed! I know! You've never been so sexually attracted to a robot before. At least, not since you saw Blade Runner.

So, apparently, all you have to do to become famous is make something related to Star Wars. But, who am I kidding? Fame is fame. Does it matter that I'm some kind of hideous fame suckerfish, riding with my limp lips attached to the strong whale-like chest of Star Wars?

Nah.

Actually, maybe this means I'll get to be a Jedi. About time.

Until next time...

In the future...

In a world where there are still people that believe that every email they receive comes from a real person, I have no choice but to believe that the world will eventually be ruled by computers. When this finally happens, I will be very happy. Mainly because a computer will never call me to ask how to use itself.

I know you think you're being "helpful" by calling, but the page refresh button is a valuable resource that should not be underestimated. For those of you who use the computer, but refuse to learn from it, there are guidelines for when and how you're allowed to bother the rest of us. Since most of you seem to be a bit hazy on the rules, I've made a handy flowchart for you:



Educate yourself.

Until next time...

New Website, other boring news, etc.

So, sorry about the lack of activity around here lately.

I'd love to blame the holidays, but the fact is, I'm just lazy. I know your standards probably weren't all that high to begin with, but I think we all can at least appreciate the level of transparency available here.

Projects ARE forthcoming though. I promise! You'll just have to keep that flame of secret hope alive a little bit longer. Your faith... will not go unrewarded, and your disloyalty will not go unpunished...

Whoa, sorry. I didn't mean to suggest that you would be punished for not reading this blog. What I did mean to suggest, is Paul Bettany outside your bedroom window, just waiting for you to go somewhere else for your entertainment needs. Don't worry, I've instructed him not to kill, only to maim. And hopefully you've learned your lesson so we can all go back to being friends.

NEWS!

Paperbeatsscissors has finished a new website! The band website for Maps For Travelers is now up and running. Click the image to see the full site:



In case you're stupid, the url is www.mapsfortravelersband.com These guys are not only super cool, but also make some dern fine tunes. Check them out, while you also receive a brain-chubby from looking at the awesome site. All the art AND webdesign are Paperbeatsscissors custom crafted. PHRESH 2 DETH!

And speaking of phresh 2 deth...



I know it's hard to process since you just had a mindblow, but that is one of the members of the band wearing a custom printed Mountain Man tee! Oh yeah! So awesome.

Until next time...

Happy 15

To ring in the new year, you can have some real, actual, paperbeatsscissors NEWS. I know... it's kind of weird to start the year with facts and truth, but it was really my only option. Mainly because I was up late last night and I don't feel like writing anything.

Excellence! Excellence in everything!

Paperbeatsscissors came in SECOND in a sticker design contest hosted by Abduzeedo and Sticker Robot. Obviously, everyone was outraged that it wasn't first place, but in the spirit of Goodwill, and also the Salvation Army, I decided to let it slide. Here's the winning design:



Also you can check the post here, and express your rapidly multiplying outrage.

Until next time...

Happy Blogday

The Paperbeatsscissors blog is one year old today!

Oh man, did we have some times! We've had adventures. We've felt the gentle and elegant touch of Internet. We rode toward our collective destinies on wings made of the bitter tears shed by those who are not as cool as us. We sold a tee shirt. We gave away like... a buttload. And maybe.... just maybe, we all learned a little bit about ourselves.

So here's to another year made of sexcellence and phresh-to-deathness. To celebrate, here's a little gift for you. That's right, a gift for you, on my blogday. That's just the kind of person I am.



"Aquatic Life" Mac icon set. Download the matching desktop wallpaper and show the world that you are a lover of fine cinema and bearded sailors.

Until next time...

Website updated, more love available.

The Paperbeatsscissors.com website has been updated, which means you have no more excuses for not telling every living person you know to go there.

Check out the new downloads page, where all of the swass free wallpeppers I've made are all available for you to download. Look at them! Aren't they cute? All in a row, like some little ducklings. Ducklings made of excellence.

Speaking of which!

Get the "Aquatic Life" wallpaper here.

Since I'm white, young, and artsy, I'm sort of cosmically obligated to enjoy Wes Anderson movies, so here is a little wallpaper for all you other young urban hipsters. Hop on your fixie and tell the world!

Until next time...

New news, that is also late!

Yes, this news is new. It's lateness, however, is old. Almost three weeks old in fact.

I'm sorry. I can't help it that I'm very busy creating excellence with every magical breath I take. The updates you see in this blog are the only physical evidence of my very short breaks in a daily schedule that consists of sketching, Internet, fighting wizards, feeding orphans, more sketching, work, rocking babies, and loving America. If doing all that is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

Also, why do you hate America and babies?

Anyway, here's the news:



YES! The Most Excellent and Revered KYOUTAN TOCHI tee is now available to buy. Buy it now, and feel its ancient voodoo wrapping your torso in a soft, fluffy layer of enchantment.

Shirt features:

• Tradition: Imagine you were eating Ramen Noodles while riding Godzilla, dressed as a Sailor Moon character and wearing a Samurai helmet when you get a call on your Gatchaman wristwatch and find out you've just won ten jillion yen. This shirt is still better.


• Loveable Characters: Alice and the Cheshire Cat, but not boring anymore.
  


• Possible Magic Powers?: I think I accidentally trapped the spirit of a Ronin in a few of these shirts, so they may or may not have the secret urge to avenge the death of their master.
  

How could you not want this shirt? Are you stupid? You might not think so, but if you find yourself without the unbearable urge to buy a Kyoutan Tochi tee, you may, at the very least, have some stupid trapped in your brain.

You might want to take care of that now, because the longer it's in there, the bigger it's going to get. Pretty soon you'll have to find some scientists you can shrink down, put in a tiny submarine, and inject directly into your fatty tissue so they can go find the source and laZer it out.

Plus, you don't want to have to worry about them bumping into something important while they're in there, and for the rest of your life every time someone says the word "broccoli" you pee your pants.

Wouldn't just buying a tee be much easier? I think so.

Until next time,

NEWS: Tee sales up! Your coolness level still dangerously low

Yes! I'm happy to report that tee sales for the Mountain Man tee have doubled!

Unfortunately, doubling zero still equals nothing.

Ha! I jest! I jest you! I also test you. The T and J are interchangeable in that sentence. A true friend of PBS would have known that we have sold many shirts; almost too many to count. Especially if you can only count to 12.

Here's the problem: I still have a lot of shirts in my closet. Actually what I mean is, here's the GOOD NEWS: There is still SO much sexy love waiting to be spread, like a delicious cinnamon butter, on the Pillsbury bun hearts of your friends, that my lowly closet can no longer contain it's righteousness.

There's really only one thing standing between your friends and the happiest day of their lives:

You.

Why do you hate your friends so much? They have just as much a right to be happy as you do, even though they can't leave the house without supervision. Maybe you just don't want them to surpass your coolness level. Ok, I get it... I think we've all been there. But let's face it, you weren't very cool to begin with, and the longer you deprive other people of joy, the smaller and more shriveled your heart becomes. What's next? Hitting puppies with a rake? Punching grandmas? It's a slippery slope.

Maybe you're just doubting the power of the Mountain Man. Well, I don't want to drop names, but Internet gave me this picture, and I think it'll squelch those thoughts out of your brain.



Until next time...

PBS

Career Awesome

I think you and I both know what time it is...

It's time for you to get serious about being awesome. You keep saying, in kind of a whiny tone, "Why can't I be cool like the other kids I know? What do they have that I don't have?" The real question you should be asking is "What do I have that they don't have?"... things like acne, abnormally large eyes, a penchant for standing too close to people when you talk... the list goes on. Then go BACK to your first question and ask yourself what THEY have, which is probably a list containing one single thing: PAPERBEATSSCISSORS. Let me break this down for you:

Paperbeatsscissors isn't so much a place that has awesome tee shirts and makes killer websites as it is a LIFESTYLE. And if you're living the PBS lifestyle, that means you're not living other lifestyles that probably include meth, crying, and regular beatings.

Take these young men for example; Can you spot the one who daily proclaims his love for PBS?



I think you see what I mean. The two children on the left obviously spend 80-85% of their time with their hands either up their nose or down their pants. They're probably well on their way to becoming career criminals, and are generally on the Greyhound bus to Failure Town. On the other hand, the young man on the right obviously has a healthy respect for cats and above average hygiene. These are just a few of the ways you can spot someone who is PBS certified.

I hope this information helps you understand why you suck. We were all getting tired of talking about it quietly behind your back.

Until next time...

PBS

Identity theft

Something terrible happened. And when I say "something" I'm assuming you were too lazy to read the title of this post.

This is an actual REAL email I got in my paperbeatsscissors Gmail account a few days ago.


From: John

Subject: the tune

Hey Tim,

about 12 sec in is when the stumming starts and the drums and more plugged in sound could start.

lemme know what you think,

John

ps which address?


I'm going to ignore his grammatical errors and the fact that he spelled my name wrong and focus on the fact that John sent this email to not one, but TWO nearly identical email addresses; one of which was not mine.

Naturally, this raised a lot of questions:

• Who is this "Tim"? If that's even his name.


• Why is he so almost awesome?


• Could he be some sort of Bizarro Chris?


• Is he looking to invest in a small business that might also be almost his email address?

It's a tough call. There's a slim chance that he's a nice guy. There's a much larger chance that we're already mortal enemies.

I mean, what if he's out there soiling the Paperbeatsscissors name? Instead of making sexy t-shirts and helping old people lift heavy objects, he could be punching babies in the neck or using all the toilet paper and not replacing the roll!

I hope, for his sake, that he's not. Because if he is, he's going to need a life raft to stay afloat on the ocean of sarcastic comments and uncomfortably long stares I'll be sending his way… a life raft that I will subsequently sink with the gnarly shark teeth of my secret loathing.

Tim, if you're even real, do the right thing. Leave Internet. Leave, and never come back.

Until next time…

PBS

I hope you're hungry...

Because there's real, actual news in this post. Delicious, piping hot news baked fresh for you to chew up with your eyeball-teeth and swallow down to the stomach of your brain. I know you've been worried about your figure, so this post is also full of nutritious vitamins. Not that I think you need to diet, because I'll love you even if your brain gets love handles and has to buy slightly larger pants. I got with you for your sexy brain personality, not your sexy brain body, and I hope you understand that.

Anyway, the excellent news is... THE NEW VEIL ARMS SITE HAS LAUNCHED!

Easy... chew slowly. I don't want you to gag on how awesome that news is and force me to give you some sort of virtual Heimlich maneuver.

That's right, my good buddies over at veilarms.com asked me to redesign their site, and it is now sleeker, sexier and more confident than it has ever been. It was only launched yesterday, and it already asked out three girls and started dressing more professionally.

Scamper over there now and check it out, and while you're over there, don't forget to check out Veil Arms' almost frighteningly long list of things they do awesomely, not the least of which is printing the extra-great Mountain Man Tee! (Which you can buy right over there →)

Ok, that's enough news for today, chubby.

Until next time...

PBS

News again.

Well, I'm back from my swass trip to Portland, OR and subsequent roadtrip to Tawas MI. We saw many awesome things, and I, personally, did much awesome repping for PBS. Based on the complicated and scientific research I did, I created this infographic:



It's not hard to find people who love beards. It's not hard to find people who wear shirts. So you can imagine what people were saying when they came to me saying "Oh man, I totally wish I could have a beard ON a shirt. That would be so the bee's knees!"

And I would say "Oh yeah? Check this out..." and tear off my boring, plain shirt that is cleverly concealing the much more baller Mountain Man tee.

Well, actually, people were saying NOTHING because they were busy getting a fresh pair of undies after soiling, in excitement, the ones they were currently wearing.

That being said, we really haven't sold any more shirts. So come on people... your future called, and it said you suck.

In conclusion, here's a valuable tip I received on my trip:



You've been warned.

Until next time...

PBS

Rep 'til you drep!

Now that we're living in the future, I can get pictures of people repping sweet PBS gear without the hassle of having to talk to them or mail things. We have sold some shirts. Not a million... but some.

"Wait, these shirts are even more awesome and manly than a bear with a cat.... or, better yet, a bearcat. Why haven't you sold a million?"

That's the exact question you, and all your friends and family, should be asking yourselves. The answer is simple... Laziness. And if you keep spending all your time in the GAP trying to decide between the eggshell polo and the cream-froth polo, you'll never be as wickedly awesome as these people:


Straight from the streets. Just so you know you can feel comfortable wearing your Mountain Man tee anywhere. Even the Vanity Art Battle... or Cavity Art Bath... or wherever.



Man of science, man of strength. No matter what kind of man you are, the Mountain Man tee is the final ingredient that will make all the ladies want to touch you.




A picture is worth a thousand words, and this one is worth two million.

If you send me a picture of you or your cat or grandma repping PBS, you WILL be famous.

Until next time...

PBS

New computer! New memories!

Sweet, hot memories we will make together. You and me and my brand new Macbook Pro. It is so much more beautiful than I imagined... although, that may be because even a piece of celery wrapped in tin foil with a keyboard attached would be better than my old computer.

What does this mean for you? Not much. You're still kind of a loser, but you WILL get the opportunity to bask in the biscuit-like fragrance of the more and many-more arts that I will now be putting up here.

As a reward for coming here today, you get to see a tattoo concept I've been working on.



Not quite done yet, but you get the idea.

Until next time!

PBS

Sexy results

Finally! News that is actually newsworthy!

After months of slaving away in the wee, sweaty hours of the morning, I've finally finished one of the big projects I've been working on lately.

Behold:

RHLS.COM

New York based clothing geniuses RUFFEO HEARTS 'LIL SNOTTY chose me to update their old website for them. The current website and lookbook are a V 1.0, if you will. The final version will be so mind-blowingly awesome, you're going to want to go buy one of these so you can keep it with you always, like an angel made of quality.

Be sure and check out the new web site, not just for it's magical and healing qualities, but mostly because there is a whole crap-ton of awesome clothing handmade by RHLS, right here in the USA.

Here's a little more about the company:
"Ruffeo Hearts Lil Snotty is more than a look. RHLS advocates for transparency throughout the entire process of making clothing. All garments are made in Red Hook Brooklyn by Mackswell and Sarah and a small team of seamsters, the "Hearts." Fabric is sourced from dead stock as much as possible or from local Mom and Pops Independently run stores in NYC."

Yeah, that was straight from the about page of the website, but let's face it, you people are lazy and I think we both know most of you weren't going to click the link without a little extra incentive. Geez, do I have to do everything around here?

Until next time!

PBS

The countdown begins!

Only a few more days before this blog unveils some übergroß projects up in this bizznazz. I've been breaking some serious tail to get some web projects for several super-cool businesses, and the magic it's unleashing even surprised this guy.

But until then, there are few more-finished projects to whet your palate.

Here's a tee design for a conference taking place in Detroit:



Also, don't forget about the NEWEST TEE up on Threadless, straight from the bowels of paperbeatsscissors' awesome belly.



Go vote on it now and all your dreams will come true. Well, all your dreams of helping awesome tees get printed. And I think we both know those are the only dreams of yours that matter.

NEWS FLASH!
Next week, Kyoutan Tochi tees will officially be available at the paperbeatsscissors supreme Etsy Shop. Don't forget to check back for more info!

Until next time!

PBS

Holy cow...

There are so many excellent things happening right now that I can no longer shield you from the super rainbow waves of greatness.

Which is good, since I've been majorly out of commission for almost a week with a terrible case of hives.

"OMG fella! How did you get hives?"

I'm glad you asked, semi-loyal reader. Mainly because my apartment complex has the most terrible water in the world.

Imagine an airplane full of dog crap and gasoline crashed into a factory that makes pennies and glue. Now imagine that factory was next to some sort of bog or swamp. Now imagine the wreckage from the plane-factory crash fell into the bog. Now imagine it rained a lot and the bog became a lake. Now imagine they put some pipes in the lake and pumped the penny-gas dog-poo water into a giant tank and mailed it to my apartment complex.

That's basically how I got hives.

BUT, I'm all un-itchy now and ready to get back to squeezing out some quality!

Here's a new Facebook addition:


There are a few new projects I'm cranking out, but we'll save those till tomorrow. And by tomorrow I mean "whenever this blog gets updated next".

In other news:
The first Mountain Man tee EVER sold like two days ago! It was bought by our new best friend, Olivia.

Yes, I know that's a picture of Chuck Norris, but that's exactly how bad-a Olivia's lucky friend is going to be wearing that sweet manly shirt.

You can still get your own Mountain Man tee RIGHT NOW at the paperbeatsscissors Etsy shop.
RIGHT OVER THERE →

Last but not least paperbeatsscissors has a new tee up on Threadless, so get your patootie over there and score it!


Until next time!

PBS

Wow, this is embarrassing

There hasn't been a post here in like... two months.

You must be a loyal reader if you're seeing this, and I have rewarded your loyalty with failure. There has been no relevant, delicious news for you to soak your eyeballs in for two long months, and for that I am eternally penitent.

Although... they say that no news is good news, and in that case I've just given you two months of good news. A gift you undoubtedly squandered.

You're welcome, and I forgive you.

Don't worry, formerly loyal readers, I promise updates will be made full of savory knowledge soon!

Until then...

PBS

Boo!

Scared you, didn't I? Weren't expecting to see me again, were you? Well, you won't get rid of me that easily.

I'll admit it... I've been gone for a while. I made some bold promises the last time I was here... promises that have, as of yet, gone undelivered.

OR HAVE THEY?

I , like the amnesic pizza boy who has suddenly recovered all of his memories after slipping in the bathroom and hitting his head on the toilet bowl, have returned to deliver the pizza of class and quality you, the fine reader, have demanded from me.

OR HAVE I?

Yes. Yes I have. But you have to admit, I had you going for a second.

The Mountain Man shirt is officially FOR SALE! And not the bad kind of "for sale" like what happened to your pet monkey Chee-chee after it got the ape-rage and bit the mailman. This is the good kind of "for sale" that means you can take it home and wear it lovingly forever until it disintegrates on your pale frame and blows away in the wind like some kind of extra-magical dandelion made of rainbows and joy.

And then you can buy another one!

Anyway, here are some screen-shots of the shirt in action. And by some, I mean "a" screen-shot.



Once again, the shirt was printed by those most excellent purveyors of wearable art at Veil Arms Clothing. Love them. Also, you might want to put on sunglasses to help shield your eyes from some of that manliness coming your way.

The shirt is going for a measly $18 + shipping on Etsy. You can even click the handy Etsy Mini link right over there ⇒. But wait! Extra bonus feature! If you can see me in real life and I don't have to get off my rapidly atrophying behind to mail it to you, you can get the shirt for a mere $15. Wow! You didn't even know that kind of benevolence existed.... until today.

Now wipe the tears of joy off your keyboard so you can go show me your appreciation.

On a more personal note: I think I'm turning into a mutant. Either that, or I've had some kind of terrible curse placed on me by the tooth fairy that is making teeth grow all up in my face. This would be ok if I was a shark or something, but it gets hard to eat when you have teeth in your throat. On the upside, I've decided to capitalize on my new powers by applying to the Justice League. There has to be some kind of feisty too-many-teeth mutant niche that has yet to be filled... Now all I need is a terrifying moniker like Sir Chomp-a-lot or Molar Man, some kind of teeth-themed outfit, and I can fight crime until my head eats my face like this guy.

Ugh. Horrifying.

Until next time...

PBS