Paperbeatsscissors + Science = Magic

Eff bomb! Through the power of Internet, it has been revealed to me that last weeks post was accidentally SUPER SCIENTIFIC!

Turns out, there's actually such a thing as a Ghost Shark. Science! You crafty curmudgeon! You're always sneaking sciency things on me. That's why I love you.

I decided to ask Google if it had seen a Ghost Shark lying around, and this is what I found:



I know...

With a name like GHOST SHARK, I guess I expected it to be a little more... uh... creepy. Instead, it just kind of looks like this ye olde fashioned Bugs Bunny drawing.



What's the deal, Ghost Shark? Why are you so wacky? You should be out there being ultra-creepy... or at least slightly translucent. You are lame, Ghost Shark.

Using more science, and a post-it note I had on my desk, I generated this anatomically correct drawing of what the REAL Ghost Shark would look like. Knowledge, next to a good offense, is the best defense.



Man, this blog is so full of knowledge it's like some kind of knowledge piñata just waiting to be hit with the baseball bat that is your computer screen, spilling its delicious content all over your greedy brain. Yum.

Until next time...

PBS

Halloweeners

Guess what? Halloween's almost here!

Yes! Another excuse to eat candy!

In recognition of, what some people would call "the devil's birthday" and what others might call "not a real holiday", I'm offering this ultra ripe desktop wallpaper for download! Cower!

Get the "Where is Thy Sting?" wallpaper here.

Oh man, I just realized I accidentally used an exclamation mark on every sentence in that pre-wallpaper text up there. This post was supposed to be eerie, but now it just looks exciting. You're just going to have to pretend that the exclamation marks are because I'm yelling to you from somewhere in the bowels of some super-sketchy old house in kind of a freaked-out way. And instead of "Download this excellent free wallpaper!" I might be yelling something like, "Don't come down here!" or, "I can't feel my legs!"

And then, it would help if you imagined that you didn't listen to me, but instead followed my haunting screams into said sketchy house, and that you didn't tell anyone where you were going. You think you hear some weird noises, but that was probably just the wind creaking. You're descending the smelly stairs, following the faint sound of my voice, when suddenly the stair breaks right underneath your foot!

Now your leg is stuck. Awesome.

Suddenly you hear heavy breathing, and Nat King Cole's "Unforgettable" starts playing. The distinct smell of low tide fills your nostrils. You look behind you and, to your utter horror, you see the semi-translucent smile of a big... giant...

GHOST SHARK!

And he doesn't have fins like a regular shark, he has like... crab hands... and in those crab hands, he's carrying one of those creepy old baby dolls that goes to sleep when you lean it backwards. He also has a bowl cut.

...And an eye patch.

You try to scream, but you just pee your pants, and maybe poop a little bit too. And as you sit there, he just stares at you with his one, soulless, beady eye, as if to say, "Ha! I know you can't move! I will devour you at my leisure, saving your tender parts for last!"

Can you feel his steely gaze!? It bores into your very soul! It eats crumbly things in the bed of your heart! Fear the GHOST SHARK! Fear him!

Ha. NOW you're creeped out. I'm sorry if you actually did poop and/or pee your pants back there. That can happen when your mind is so entranced.

Until next time...

PBS

NEWS: Tee sales up! Your coolness level still dangerously low

Yes! I'm happy to report that tee sales for the Mountain Man tee have doubled!

Unfortunately, doubling zero still equals nothing.

Ha! I jest! I jest you! I also test you. The T and J are interchangeable in that sentence. A true friend of PBS would have known that we have sold many shirts; almost too many to count. Especially if you can only count to 12.

Here's the problem: I still have a lot of shirts in my closet. Actually what I mean is, here's the GOOD NEWS: There is still SO much sexy love waiting to be spread, like a delicious cinnamon butter, on the Pillsbury bun hearts of your friends, that my lowly closet can no longer contain it's righteousness.

There's really only one thing standing between your friends and the happiest day of their lives:

You.

Why do you hate your friends so much? They have just as much a right to be happy as you do, even though they can't leave the house without supervision. Maybe you just don't want them to surpass your coolness level. Ok, I get it... I think we've all been there. But let's face it, you weren't very cool to begin with, and the longer you deprive other people of joy, the smaller and more shriveled your heart becomes. What's next? Hitting puppies with a rake? Punching grandmas? It's a slippery slope.

Maybe you're just doubting the power of the Mountain Man. Well, I don't want to drop names, but Internet gave me this picture, and I think it'll squelch those thoughts out of your brain.



Until next time...

PBS

Time to start feeling better about yourself.

In way that only Paperbeatsscissors can make you feel.

We know you're tired of giving up on your dreams. Remember that time you wanted to start a hamster circus? You even bought the tiny trapeze and the tiny top hat for the hamster ringmaster to wear. It was, admittedly, kind of an obvious mistake to use your cat, Mister Huffy, in the lion tamer act, but it was a mistake that anyone could have made. Does one mistake mean you should give up on your dream?

Your best friend says no, and that best friend is PBS.

"Why is that?" You say. "I'm a failure! I can't even pee without getting a little on my pants!" Well, that's true, but it's a problem that many people have.

Just think about this: If people with barely functioning brains like Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus can become famous, you can do ANYTHING you want. ANYTHING.

And it's in the spirit of this idea that Paperbeatsscissors releases two very special inspirational desktop wallpapers: The "If they can do it..." series says everything you wish your parents would have said to you when you were a child... and more. Just click the thumbs below to preview the images and follow the links to download.

Get the Justin Bieber wallpaper here.

Get the Miley Cyrus wallpaper here.

See, don't you feel powerful now? That's because we're committed to DIGNITY, EXCELLENCE and RESPECT. It's time to start following your dream again.

Now get out there and be somebody!

Until next time...

PBS

More free things!

Holy ess! More free things?!?! I must be crazy!

Ha ha! Just kidding. I am totally not crazy. A crazy person would promise you a free thing and then give you a half-eaten slipper or a dirty diaper. When I promise you a free thing it definitely will not be a half-eaten slipper, and usually will not be a dirty diaper.

That's the kind of behavior you can expect from Paperbeatsscissors, where our only sanity issues are being insanely generous, insanely awesome, and insanely sexy.

And speaking of insanely sexy, check out THESE:



You can stop searching around for the free item I mentioned, because it's right above this sentence.

Eight majorly cool SCOTT PILGRIM folder icons for your Mac. Complete the look with a swass desktop wallpaper, which you can download at scottpilgrim.com.

If you need instructions on how to use the icons you can find them here. Sorry, that's not included in this free gift. I have to make a living somehow.

Enjoy.

Until next time...

PBS