Monday, December 14, 2009

Welcome to the winning team.

Hi, welcome to paperbeatsscissors: your new best friend.

"Wait a minute," you say, "I already HAVE a best friend. He lives out of state but we promised to keep in touch through Facebook."

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you don't have any friends. Those people that hang around you are just people your parents paid to keep you from crying, breaking things, and bothering them while they were doing crossword puzzles.

Yes, I know you're sad. But if you wipe the tears from your eyes and read the first sentence again, you'll understand why you should be happy.

Finally, you can understand that paperbeatsscissors has ALWAYS been there for you. Was little Jeffery there for you when your hamster died? No. In fact, little Jeffery was the one who killed Mr. Crumbles, because he was abnormally nearsighted for his age and couldn't tell the difference between a hamster and a whiffle ball. I'm sorry you have to hear it from me, but I thought you should know. Was Bethany there when you thought you didn't make the cut for the school play based on the song Bohemian Rhapsody, and then found out you did make the cut, and then got your Freddy Mercury perm caught in the gaffing, and then you wished you had never made the cut in the first place? No. She was too busy trying out for varsity cheerleading and kissing boys named Keith. Who bought you a snow-cone and sang you the Full House theme song? Not Bethany, that's for darn sure.

Here's the thing: These people mean well. Your "friends" want you to succeed... as long as that doesn't mean you make more money than them, have a smaller waist than them, or have better party jokes than them. Your parents don't love you, but they do let you live in their basement and watch Spongebob Squarepants reruns all day, so that counts for something.

You are an abandoned infant, swaddled in a greasy McGriddle wrapper, left on my doorstep with three dollars in nickles and a slice of white bread... and until now you've been suckled on the malformed teet of failure. Now, prepare to be spoon-fed the double quarter-pound cheeseburger of AWESOME that is PAPERBEATSSCISSORS.

Here, you'll find samples of my current art projects, updates on forthcoming tee/clothing designs and other valuable information such as:
  • When was the last time I washed my sheets?
  • How long can I hold my breath?
  • How can you be as cool as me?

Haha! Yes, you're right, that last one was a joke. You can't be as cool as me, but you can try and fail, and we can all have a good laugh.

Until next time.


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