Last post of pre-2011

So hurry up and take advantage of these sweet 2010 wallpapers. Oh, and also, have a happy new year.

Get the "Sticky Duck" wallpaper here.

Get the "Hide Yo Kids" wallpaper here.

Until next time...

Happy Blogday

The Paperbeatsscissors blog is one year old today!

Oh man, did we have some times! We've had adventures. We've felt the gentle and elegant touch of Internet. We rode toward our collective destinies on wings made of the bitter tears shed by those who are not as cool as us. We sold a tee shirt. We gave away like... a buttload. And maybe.... just maybe, we all learned a little bit about ourselves.

So here's to another year made of sexcellence and phresh-to-deathness. To celebrate, here's a little gift for you. That's right, a gift for you, on my blogday. That's just the kind of person I am.



"Aquatic Life" Mac icon set. Download the matching desktop wallpaper and show the world that you are a lover of fine cinema and bearded sailors.

Until next time...

Website updated, more love available.

The Paperbeatsscissors.com website has been updated, which means you have no more excuses for not telling every living person you know to go there.

Check out the new downloads page, where all of the swass free wallpeppers I've made are all available for you to download. Look at them! Aren't they cute? All in a row, like some little ducklings. Ducklings made of excellence.

Speaking of which!

Get the "Aquatic Life" wallpaper here.

Since I'm white, young, and artsy, I'm sort of cosmically obligated to enjoy Wes Anderson movies, so here is a little wallpaper for all you other young urban hipsters. Hop on your fixie and tell the world!

Until next time...

Guess what...

Here's what's up.

Get the "Keep On Grindin" wallpaper here.

Some things you might not have done

Like... vote on this tee shirt.



Or check out some music from my band HAIRCUT.

Listen at myspace.com/thisishaircut

Ok, that's all. Go about your business.

Until next time...

A potential future of non-nudity

Just click that link down there. Don't ask questions. CLICK IT. Quick, your time to make the future better is now.



I know you might be worried that if you give this design a high score, you might accidentally be supporting future super-robots that will try to take over the world and enslave mankind. I know, I worry about that too, but you shouldn't let that stand in the way of your happiness NOW.

As added incentive, here's a delicious desktop wallpaper version of the design for you, the faithful reader.

Get the "Sorry Dave" wallpaper here.

Not only will this wallpaper make your computer look amazing, it is almost definitely not carrying a secret virus woven intricately into the pixels designed to someday allow a powerful robotic consciousness access to your most secret of secrets.

HAHA! Why would that even matter? Clearly, it is a fallacy. I, as always, am hilarious.

Until next time...

New news, that is also late!

Yes, this news is new. It's lateness, however, is old. Almost three weeks old in fact.

I'm sorry. I can't help it that I'm very busy creating excellence with every magical breath I take. The updates you see in this blog are the only physical evidence of my very short breaks in a daily schedule that consists of sketching, Internet, fighting wizards, feeding orphans, more sketching, work, rocking babies, and loving America. If doing all that is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

Also, why do you hate America and babies?

Anyway, here's the news:



YES! The Most Excellent and Revered KYOUTAN TOCHI tee is now available to buy. Buy it now, and feel its ancient voodoo wrapping your torso in a soft, fluffy layer of enchantment.

Shirt features:

• Tradition: Imagine you were eating Ramen Noodles while riding Godzilla, dressed as a Sailor Moon character and wearing a Samurai helmet when you get a call on your Gatchaman wristwatch and find out you've just won ten jillion yen. This shirt is still better.


• Loveable Characters: Alice and the Cheshire Cat, but not boring anymore.
  


• Possible Magic Powers?: I think I accidentally trapped the spirit of a Ronin in a few of these shirts, so they may or may not have the secret urge to avenge the death of their master.
  

How could you not want this shirt? Are you stupid? You might not think so, but if you find yourself without the unbearable urge to buy a Kyoutan Tochi tee, you may, at the very least, have some stupid trapped in your brain.

You might want to take care of that now, because the longer it's in there, the bigger it's going to get. Pretty soon you'll have to find some scientists you can shrink down, put in a tiny submarine, and inject directly into your fatty tissue so they can go find the source and laZer it out.

Plus, you don't want to have to worry about them bumping into something important while they're in there, and for the rest of your life every time someone says the word "broccoli" you pee your pants.

Wouldn't just buying a tee be much easier? I think so.

Until next time,

Still freaky

    `             `` ``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` 
    `              `````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````  
    `               `````````````````````````.``````````````````````````````````````````````````````  
    `                ``` ``````````````````.````````.``````````````````````````````````````````````` 
    `               ````````````````````.````.`````..``.```````````````````````:++``````````````````  
    `                ````````````````````.`.`..``.`.`.`.`````````````````````,#+'+`````````````````` 
    `                ```````````````````...........`....``.`````````````````####+'``````````````````   
    ```                ```````````````.`...`......`..`.`..```..````.```````@####+:`````````````````.
    ```    ,,          ``````` `````.`........`......``...`.`..``...`````.#######.``````````````````
    ```   '++++         ``````.``````....``........`.........```..```..`:###+++##```````````````````
    ````  :+''++;``     ```````.`````..............`.........``...````.'########+```````````````````  
    ````  `';;'++#````  ````````.```.....`.........`...... ........`..+###+++++#.``````````````````` 
    ````   :;;'+++#;.`````````````......`..`.............`.......,...+####++++#@```````````````````` 
    `````` ,;;;'''###..`````````.```.........................,.,,..,+#####+####:````````````````````  
    `````  `';'''+####..`````````.:....................`,,....,,.,,#######++#+#,````````````````````  
    `````  `,;'+++++###+.````````.......`.`............. ,.,,...,.######++++++#`````````````````````  
    ``````` `+#+++++#####..````....:..,,......,....,.....,,,.,.,:######++++++#' ````````````````````   
    `````````:###++'+++###+.`.`.....`,,,,.,,.,.,,,,,,,,,,::,,:''#+####++++++##``````````````````````   
    ``````````;###++++++####:....,,,:::,,,,,:,,.,:::::,,:;+++'#@######+++++++#``````````````````````  
    ```````````+#++#++######@#':,:;';;,;::::,,:;'::;; ::'+##+##@#####+++++++''``````````````````````   
    ```````````+#+##################+'+#++';::''';++';;'';+############++++++,``````````````````````   
    ```````````,##++++####+###@######+###++++++###+##+#+++##########++++++++#.``````````````````````   
    ```````````.++++++####+#########+#+###++++###+######+######@####++'+++###```````````````````````   
    ````````````+++++###+++########@#+###+#######+###################++++###;```````````````````````   
    ````````````;+++++++#;+#####@######+####+######+##+##############++++####``````````````````````  
    ````````````.##+++++++####@########+################################+++##```````````````````````   
    `````````````###++++++#####################################++######+####+```````````````````````   
    ```````` ````###++++++##################@##@@######################+#####```````````````````````  
    `````````````+++##++#######################################+#######+###@+```````````````````````   
    `````````````+#+++++############################@###################+##@.```````````````````````   
    `````````` ``+##++++######+#+#+##############@####@##########+#+#######@```````````````````````` 
    `````````````####+#######++++###+########################++'+#######+###````````````````````````
    ``````````  ``@#++++######+#+###@#######################';;;;;##########.`.```.`````````````````
    ``````````````.###############+'''+###@################;;+##'::++#####++'............``..```````   
    ```````````````@#+###########;:'+'''##################;;;++'#':'++#####++......................`
    ```````````````####+######+';:'##+''+#################;;'#@@#'::++####+++......`................  
    ```````````````##########++#:;++#;@';++##############+;;'####;::++#+##+++..........`............  
    ``````````````.#+#########+':;#+#@#';'################;:;####':;+##+###++;......................  
    ```````````````#++####@###'',;'####';;#+#############.';;;##'::#+######+++...................... 
    ```````````````###########+#,:'###';:'++#########@####;;;:;;::'#+####+###+...................... 
    ```````````````#############;,;'#+':;#++#############'##';:;:#++##########,.....................  
    ```````````````##########+#+#;::;;;;#+#+########@#####+#++##+#+#######++#+,.....................   
    ``````````````.+#############+#';;+####+###############++#+############+#+:.....................
    ``````````````,#################++###+##############@@#+#+###++######++###,````.................
    ``````````.```,#############+++##+###+##########@##@####+#####+#######++#+:````````..````.```... 
    ``````````````,+######################+#############@###++#+##########+##+:```..```.`..``.``..`.
    ``````....`.`..+#########################@###########@###+#####@#######++#:``.....`....`....`.`. 
    .``````.`......+######################++#####+##+######++#+########+######:...........`.........
    ````.`.........+#############################++#++#+###+######@#######++#+,................``... 
    ``````.........;+###########################+##+############+##########+#+,..................... 
    ```............:###################################@##+###+############+#+.`.................... 
    .`.............,+############################@@#######+##################'......................
    .`..............;#+#########@################+@###+###+##+#+#############;......................  
    .`.............,;#############################+############+#+#####++++##,......................
    ................,+####+######@++#############################+##########+:...................... 
    .................;+#######+'+@@######+#####+#+###########+#+#++#'####+#++..,,...................
    .`...............:#####'+#####+##+##############################'@#'####',....,................. 
    .................,+##'#####+###+########################+#+###+###'##++++,......,...............  
    ...................'###+#####+#+#####+######################+#'#'###+###+'........,.............  
    .................,.'+######+##+####+###########++##+####+++##+#+@#'#+#'#++:,...............,....
    ...............,...:'####+##'#+##++####+######+++#########++####@+#@'##+'+++,,..................  
    .............,.....,'+#+#####'###'#@###########++##########@+@##+#;###+#+#';...,................
    ...........,.......,;++##+######'##+#+#########+##########+#@##@#+#####'#++'+,.................. 
    .........,.........,'#+#+#'##'+'##+#+#+#######+#+#+#+####+##+@@+##'#@'##+##+....................
    ...................:;#+#+'#+'+#@#+##+#####++#++++'+##########'##'##'##;###++#':.................
    ..................:,;+##++#'+@@#####@####@#+'''''''############'#'##'##'###+'..,................ 
    .................,,:++'##+'#@#+#@@@########+#;;;;:####@#########'#+##+++'#++;,...........,...... 
    ................,,,:''++#'#++@#+@##+#####@####+';++++##########+++@@####+++'.,....,........,...,  
    .`...............,,''+#+'#@'##+##@#########+@#####+''+++##+++++##@@####@#++',.,.............,...
    ..................,;+##+###@#@#########@@#++++#+##+;''''+++++###+####+###++#,,,,.....,....,.....
    ...............,..,;+++######+#############+++#+##+''''''''+++##+##'+#+#+#+#;.......,.,.........
    ...........,....,,:+###+####@@@@###+######++++++##;'+++'+++'+'+++++'++++#'#+#.....,.............
    ...............,.,:+##+++###+##@#####+++#++++#++++;'+++''++'++''+++++++++#+##:..,,.,.....,.,....
    ..............,,,,;+'+#+#########@##+++++++++#++'+''++++'++#+#++''+#+'+'++##++,.,,,,,,..,.,.,,,,
    .`...........,.,,,;+++'++###########+++##+'+###''++;'++#+'##++##+'+#+#+'+++++';,..,,.,,,,,,,..., 
    ...`........,..,,,;+++++#+#+####++++####+''++##''##''+#+#++#+++##+'++#+++++#++',...,,.......,,,,
    .............,,,,::++++++######++++++'+++''++##+'+#+;'#+##'+##+###++#+#++++++'+;,..,,,,,,..,,,,.
    .``...........,.,:;++++++#######++++++'++''#+###;+#+;'###+'+#''+###++#'+++#+#'++:,,,,,,,,,,,,,.,
    ....`.........,,,:;+++++#++##+++++##++++#''+####'+##''+##'#+##'++#+++#++#++#++++',,,,,,,,,,,,,,.
    ..``...........,,:'+++++#####++++++######''+#+#+'+##';+##;+###+++'#####++++#++++':,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  
    ..`...........,,.::++#++#++#+++++++#####+''+####++##''+##''###++++'+++#++#+##++++:,,,,:,,,,,,,,,
    ..............,,,::'+####++++#++++###+##+';++###+###''+###'#####+#'++++++#+##++++;:,,,,:,,,,,,,,
    ....`...........,,:;++#++++++++##+####+#+''+#'##+###+++###'###+###+'+++#+++++++++;,,,:,,:,,,,:,,
    ...............,,::;++#++++#+++##+##+++++''++++#'##+++#+##+###++#+#+#++#####''+++':,,,,,,,,,:,,:
    .`..`..........,,,::;+++##+++####+####++++++###+'###++####+#####+++++++#+####'++'';,::,,,,,,,,,:
    ..............,,,,,:;'+++++++++##+##+##+++++####+#+##+##########++##++##+####+;;';;;:,,:,,:,,,,,  
    .`..............,,:::;''+'+#++#++++#+++++++#####+#+#+########+##+++##+#######+;;;;';::::,::,,,,:
    ..................,,,:;';''++++++#+++'''##+####++#+#####+###++##+++##+###+###+';;';::,::::::,,,, 
    ..`..............,,,:::;;'';'++++'++;'++########+##########+#+#####++##+#+++#+;;:;;;::;:::::,::, 
    ...`............,.,,,,:;;';;;;+'++++''++#+#######+#########+#+##########++##++;;;:;;;:;::,::,:,,
    ................,,,.,:,:;:::;+;+'++';+++#################++###+######+##+++##'':;::':::::::::::: 
    ...`...........,,.,,,,,;',::;;'';;'+:''#################+##############++++'+';;:::;:;::;::;::,,  
    .............,.,,.,,,,,:,,:::;+';;+''+''##########'#+##++###+++########+++'+;;;;:::::::;;:;;::,,
    ...............,,.,,,:,:,:,:::;;''';'''++#########++'####+#+'++##++##++'+';;;;:::::;::::;:::::::
    .`....`..........,..,,,,,,:::::';'';'''+++#++++#++'+'#+##+++''++#++'''++'';:'::;;:::;;:;:::;;::: 
    ....`..........,....,,,,,:,:,:::';::;:;''+''++++''':#+##+++'''#++'+'+''';;;::::;:;;;;:::::;;;:::  
    ...`..`...........,.,,,,,,,,:,:,;:;'':'+'+'''''''+;+'++''#+'#+:''.'+';'';;;:;:::;::;:;;:::::::::
    ......```.....,,,,....,,,,,,,,,:,;:;:::''+'';''''''';''#+'+++';+'':+';;;;;;;;:;::;,;::;::;::::::
    ................ ,..,.,,,,,,,,,,,::::::;;::';;':;++';;;'++'''';:';;'';;'':';:;';;+;;::;:::::::::
    ............`...,,..,,,,,,,,,:,,:,,::;;::::;:;;;:';:;';;;+';'':;;:;;:;;'';;;;'';;;;::;::;:::::::
    ..................,,.,,,,,,:,,:,:::::::::::;;:;;:;::;:';+;::'';;;:;;;;':;;';;;;;';;:::':::::::::
    ...`..`....`........,,,,,,,,,:,':,,::::;;:;;;:;:;::::::::';;;::;;;:';;';';'''';';;::':::;:::::::
    .....``..`..`...........,,:,,::,::;:::::::':;;::::.:':;:'';;;;;'';++'++;''';';;;;;:'::;:::;,:::;

Keepin' it real...

Oh snap. Looks like it just got phresh to deth in here.

Download the wallpaper!

Censor Ship

What the ?

Paperbeatsscissors + Science = Magic

Eff bomb! Through the power of Internet, it has been revealed to me that last weeks post was accidentally SUPER SCIENTIFIC!

Turns out, there's actually such a thing as a Ghost Shark. Science! You crafty curmudgeon! You're always sneaking sciency things on me. That's why I love you.

I decided to ask Google if it had seen a Ghost Shark lying around, and this is what I found:



I know...

With a name like GHOST SHARK, I guess I expected it to be a little more... uh... creepy. Instead, it just kind of looks like this ye olde fashioned Bugs Bunny drawing.



What's the deal, Ghost Shark? Why are you so wacky? You should be out there being ultra-creepy... or at least slightly translucent. You are lame, Ghost Shark.

Using more science, and a post-it note I had on my desk, I generated this anatomically correct drawing of what the REAL Ghost Shark would look like. Knowledge, next to a good offense, is the best defense.



Man, this blog is so full of knowledge it's like some kind of knowledge piñata just waiting to be hit with the baseball bat that is your computer screen, spilling its delicious content all over your greedy brain. Yum.

Until next time...

PBS

Halloweeners

Guess what? Halloween's almost here!

Yes! Another excuse to eat candy!

In recognition of, what some people would call "the devil's birthday" and what others might call "not a real holiday", I'm offering this ultra ripe desktop wallpaper for download! Cower!

Get the "Where is Thy Sting?" wallpaper here.

Oh man, I just realized I accidentally used an exclamation mark on every sentence in that pre-wallpaper text up there. This post was supposed to be eerie, but now it just looks exciting. You're just going to have to pretend that the exclamation marks are because I'm yelling to you from somewhere in the bowels of some super-sketchy old house in kind of a freaked-out way. And instead of "Download this excellent free wallpaper!" I might be yelling something like, "Don't come down here!" or, "I can't feel my legs!"

And then, it would help if you imagined that you didn't listen to me, but instead followed my haunting screams into said sketchy house, and that you didn't tell anyone where you were going. You think you hear some weird noises, but that was probably just the wind creaking. You're descending the smelly stairs, following the faint sound of my voice, when suddenly the stair breaks right underneath your foot!

Now your leg is stuck. Awesome.

Suddenly you hear heavy breathing, and Nat King Cole's "Unforgettable" starts playing. The distinct smell of low tide fills your nostrils. You look behind you and, to your utter horror, you see the semi-translucent smile of a big... giant...

GHOST SHARK!

And he doesn't have fins like a regular shark, he has like... crab hands... and in those crab hands, he's carrying one of those creepy old baby dolls that goes to sleep when you lean it backwards. He also has a bowl cut.

...And an eye patch.

You try to scream, but you just pee your pants, and maybe poop a little bit too. And as you sit there, he just stares at you with his one, soulless, beady eye, as if to say, "Ha! I know you can't move! I will devour you at my leisure, saving your tender parts for last!"

Can you feel his steely gaze!? It bores into your very soul! It eats crumbly things in the bed of your heart! Fear the GHOST SHARK! Fear him!

Ha. NOW you're creeped out. I'm sorry if you actually did poop and/or pee your pants back there. That can happen when your mind is so entranced.

Until next time...

PBS

NEWS: Tee sales up! Your coolness level still dangerously low

Yes! I'm happy to report that tee sales for the Mountain Man tee have doubled!

Unfortunately, doubling zero still equals nothing.

Ha! I jest! I jest you! I also test you. The T and J are interchangeable in that sentence. A true friend of PBS would have known that we have sold many shirts; almost too many to count. Especially if you can only count to 12.

Here's the problem: I still have a lot of shirts in my closet. Actually what I mean is, here's the GOOD NEWS: There is still SO much sexy love waiting to be spread, like a delicious cinnamon butter, on the Pillsbury bun hearts of your friends, that my lowly closet can no longer contain it's righteousness.

There's really only one thing standing between your friends and the happiest day of their lives:

You.

Why do you hate your friends so much? They have just as much a right to be happy as you do, even though they can't leave the house without supervision. Maybe you just don't want them to surpass your coolness level. Ok, I get it... I think we've all been there. But let's face it, you weren't very cool to begin with, and the longer you deprive other people of joy, the smaller and more shriveled your heart becomes. What's next? Hitting puppies with a rake? Punching grandmas? It's a slippery slope.

Maybe you're just doubting the power of the Mountain Man. Well, I don't want to drop names, but Internet gave me this picture, and I think it'll squelch those thoughts out of your brain.



Until next time...

PBS

Time to start feeling better about yourself.

In way that only Paperbeatsscissors can make you feel.

We know you're tired of giving up on your dreams. Remember that time you wanted to start a hamster circus? You even bought the tiny trapeze and the tiny top hat for the hamster ringmaster to wear. It was, admittedly, kind of an obvious mistake to use your cat, Mister Huffy, in the lion tamer act, but it was a mistake that anyone could have made. Does one mistake mean you should give up on your dream?

Your best friend says no, and that best friend is PBS.

"Why is that?" You say. "I'm a failure! I can't even pee without getting a little on my pants!" Well, that's true, but it's a problem that many people have.

Just think about this: If people with barely functioning brains like Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus can become famous, you can do ANYTHING you want. ANYTHING.

And it's in the spirit of this idea that Paperbeatsscissors releases two very special inspirational desktop wallpapers: The "If they can do it..." series says everything you wish your parents would have said to you when you were a child... and more. Just click the thumbs below to preview the images and follow the links to download.

Get the Justin Bieber wallpaper here.

Get the Miley Cyrus wallpaper here.

See, don't you feel powerful now? That's because we're committed to DIGNITY, EXCELLENCE and RESPECT. It's time to start following your dream again.

Now get out there and be somebody!

Until next time...

PBS

More free things!

Holy ess! More free things?!?! I must be crazy!

Ha ha! Just kidding. I am totally not crazy. A crazy person would promise you a free thing and then give you a half-eaten slipper or a dirty diaper. When I promise you a free thing it definitely will not be a half-eaten slipper, and usually will not be a dirty diaper.

That's the kind of behavior you can expect from Paperbeatsscissors, where our only sanity issues are being insanely generous, insanely awesome, and insanely sexy.

And speaking of insanely sexy, check out THESE:



You can stop searching around for the free item I mentioned, because it's right above this sentence.

Eight majorly cool SCOTT PILGRIM folder icons for your Mac. Complete the look with a swass desktop wallpaper, which you can download at scottpilgrim.com.

If you need instructions on how to use the icons you can find them here. Sorry, that's not included in this free gift. I have to make a living somehow.

Enjoy.

Until next time...

PBS

Career Awesome

I think you and I both know what time it is...

It's time for you to get serious about being awesome. You keep saying, in kind of a whiny tone, "Why can't I be cool like the other kids I know? What do they have that I don't have?" The real question you should be asking is "What do I have that they don't have?"... things like acne, abnormally large eyes, a penchant for standing too close to people when you talk... the list goes on. Then go BACK to your first question and ask yourself what THEY have, which is probably a list containing one single thing: PAPERBEATSSCISSORS. Let me break this down for you:

Paperbeatsscissors isn't so much a place that has awesome tee shirts and makes killer websites as it is a LIFESTYLE. And if you're living the PBS lifestyle, that means you're not living other lifestyles that probably include meth, crying, and regular beatings.

Take these young men for example; Can you spot the one who daily proclaims his love for PBS?



I think you see what I mean. The two children on the left obviously spend 80-85% of their time with their hands either up their nose or down their pants. They're probably well on their way to becoming career criminals, and are generally on the Greyhound bus to Failure Town. On the other hand, the young man on the right obviously has a healthy respect for cats and above average hygiene. These are just a few of the ways you can spot someone who is PBS certified.

I hope this information helps you understand why you suck. We were all getting tired of talking about it quietly behind your back.

Until next time...

PBS

Old guys

Hey, guess what?

A nifty GIF, that's what. Just for you. Every pixel loving hand sewn, while I was thinking of you and how super sexy you are.

Check it.

That's right! The late, late senator Robert Byrd, getting riled up about something. Use this GIF to express your anger, outrage, disdain, etc.

Not enough? Ok, have this:



A free "Robert Byrd Stamp of Disapproval™"

Put it in an email, put it in a soup! Express your stern disapproval! Revoke your tender approval! Above all, enjoy.

Until next time...

PBS

Identity theft

Something terrible happened. And when I say "something" I'm assuming you were too lazy to read the title of this post.

This is an actual REAL email I got in my paperbeatsscissors Gmail account a few days ago.


From: John

Subject: the tune

Hey Tim,

about 12 sec in is when the stumming starts and the drums and more plugged in sound could start.

lemme know what you think,

John

ps which address?


I'm going to ignore his grammatical errors and the fact that he spelled my name wrong and focus on the fact that John sent this email to not one, but TWO nearly identical email addresses; one of which was not mine.

Naturally, this raised a lot of questions:

• Who is this "Tim"? If that's even his name.


• Why is he so almost awesome?


• Could he be some sort of Bizarro Chris?


• Is he looking to invest in a small business that might also be almost his email address?

It's a tough call. There's a slim chance that he's a nice guy. There's a much larger chance that we're already mortal enemies.

I mean, what if he's out there soiling the Paperbeatsscissors name? Instead of making sexy t-shirts and helping old people lift heavy objects, he could be punching babies in the neck or using all the toilet paper and not replacing the roll!

I hope, for his sake, that he's not. Because if he is, he's going to need a life raft to stay afloat on the ocean of sarcastic comments and uncomfortably long stares I'll be sending his way… a life raft that I will subsequently sink with the gnarly shark teeth of my secret loathing.

Tim, if you're even real, do the right thing. Leave Internet. Leave, and never come back.

Until next time…

PBS

I hope you're hungry...

Because there's real, actual news in this post. Delicious, piping hot news baked fresh for you to chew up with your eyeball-teeth and swallow down to the stomach of your brain. I know you've been worried about your figure, so this post is also full of nutritious vitamins. Not that I think you need to diet, because I'll love you even if your brain gets love handles and has to buy slightly larger pants. I got with you for your sexy brain personality, not your sexy brain body, and I hope you understand that.

Anyway, the excellent news is... THE NEW VEIL ARMS SITE HAS LAUNCHED!

Easy... chew slowly. I don't want you to gag on how awesome that news is and force me to give you some sort of virtual Heimlich maneuver.

That's right, my good buddies over at veilarms.com asked me to redesign their site, and it is now sleeker, sexier and more confident than it has ever been. It was only launched yesterday, and it already asked out three girls and started dressing more professionally.

Scamper over there now and check it out, and while you're over there, don't forget to check out Veil Arms' almost frighteningly long list of things they do awesomely, not the least of which is printing the extra-great Mountain Man Tee! (Which you can buy right over there →)

Ok, that's enough news for today, chubby.

Until next time...

PBS

News again.

Well, I'm back from my swass trip to Portland, OR and subsequent roadtrip to Tawas MI. We saw many awesome things, and I, personally, did much awesome repping for PBS. Based on the complicated and scientific research I did, I created this infographic:



It's not hard to find people who love beards. It's not hard to find people who wear shirts. So you can imagine what people were saying when they came to me saying "Oh man, I totally wish I could have a beard ON a shirt. That would be so the bee's knees!"

And I would say "Oh yeah? Check this out..." and tear off my boring, plain shirt that is cleverly concealing the much more baller Mountain Man tee.

Well, actually, people were saying NOTHING because they were busy getting a fresh pair of undies after soiling, in excitement, the ones they were currently wearing.

That being said, we really haven't sold any more shirts. So come on people... your future called, and it said you suck.

In conclusion, here's a valuable tip I received on my trip:



You've been warned.

Until next time...

PBS

GIF of the whatever

Based on my new obsession with making animated gifs, I'm going to start doing a GIF of the Whatever™. It was originally supposed to be GIF of the Week, but since I consider it "good" if I update this blog once a month, I figured it would be better for everyone if I set expectations very, very low.

Enjoy.

Tell your friends.

Until next time...
PBS

Site and blog redesign

Feeling it? Don't worry, you will.

Everything is a little more accessible and a little more awesome. Now you can buy the Mountain Man Tee right here on this blog or on the site. Say WHAT?!

Things have been busy, but I'm still finding time to enjoy my brand new Sticker Bomb books. If you love awesome stickers and, also, love being awesome you will like these books. Check em out.

Also, check out the brand new feed of what I'm listening to, straight from Last.fm.

Until next time,

PBS

Rep 'til you drep!

Now that we're living in the future, I can get pictures of people repping sweet PBS gear without the hassle of having to talk to them or mail things. We have sold some shirts. Not a million... but some.

"Wait, these shirts are even more awesome and manly than a bear with a cat.... or, better yet, a bearcat. Why haven't you sold a million?"

That's the exact question you, and all your friends and family, should be asking yourselves. The answer is simple... Laziness. And if you keep spending all your time in the GAP trying to decide between the eggshell polo and the cream-froth polo, you'll never be as wickedly awesome as these people:


Straight from the streets. Just so you know you can feel comfortable wearing your Mountain Man tee anywhere. Even the Vanity Art Battle... or Cavity Art Bath... or wherever.



Man of science, man of strength. No matter what kind of man you are, the Mountain Man tee is the final ingredient that will make all the ladies want to touch you.




A picture is worth a thousand words, and this one is worth two million.

If you send me a picture of you or your cat or grandma repping PBS, you WILL be famous.

Until next time...

PBS

New computer! New memories!

Sweet, hot memories we will make together. You and me and my brand new Macbook Pro. It is so much more beautiful than I imagined... although, that may be because even a piece of celery wrapped in tin foil with a keyboard attached would be better than my old computer.

What does this mean for you? Not much. You're still kind of a loser, but you WILL get the opportunity to bask in the biscuit-like fragrance of the more and many-more arts that I will now be putting up here.

As a reward for coming here today, you get to see a tattoo concept I've been working on.



Not quite done yet, but you get the idea.

Until next time!

PBS

RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!

So he can use all ten (or whatever) of his arms to vote on THIS:



Get to it.

Until next time...

PBS

Sexy results

Finally! News that is actually newsworthy!

After months of slaving away in the wee, sweaty hours of the morning, I've finally finished one of the big projects I've been working on lately.

Behold:

RHLS.COM

New York based clothing geniuses RUFFEO HEARTS 'LIL SNOTTY chose me to update their old website for them. The current website and lookbook are a V 1.0, if you will. The final version will be so mind-blowingly awesome, you're going to want to go buy one of these so you can keep it with you always, like an angel made of quality.

Be sure and check out the new web site, not just for it's magical and healing qualities, but mostly because there is a whole crap-ton of awesome clothing handmade by RHLS, right here in the USA.

Here's a little more about the company:
"Ruffeo Hearts Lil Snotty is more than a look. RHLS advocates for transparency throughout the entire process of making clothing. All garments are made in Red Hook Brooklyn by Mackswell and Sarah and a small team of seamsters, the "Hearts." Fabric is sourced from dead stock as much as possible or from local Mom and Pops Independently run stores in NYC."

Yeah, that was straight from the about page of the website, but let's face it, you people are lazy and I think we both know most of you weren't going to click the link without a little extra incentive. Geez, do I have to do everything around here?

Until next time!

PBS

The countdown begins!

Only a few more days before this blog unveils some übergroß projects up in this bizznazz. I've been breaking some serious tail to get some web projects for several super-cool businesses, and the magic it's unleashing even surprised this guy.

But until then, there are few more-finished projects to whet your palate.

Here's a tee design for a conference taking place in Detroit:



Also, don't forget about the NEWEST TEE up on Threadless, straight from the bowels of paperbeatsscissors' awesome belly.



Go vote on it now and all your dreams will come true. Well, all your dreams of helping awesome tees get printed. And I think we both know those are the only dreams of yours that matter.

NEWS FLASH!
Next week, Kyoutan Tochi tees will officially be available at the paperbeatsscissors supreme Etsy Shop. Don't forget to check back for more info!

Until next time!

PBS

Holy cow...

There are so many excellent things happening right now that I can no longer shield you from the super rainbow waves of greatness.

Which is good, since I've been majorly out of commission for almost a week with a terrible case of hives.

"OMG fella! How did you get hives?"

I'm glad you asked, semi-loyal reader. Mainly because my apartment complex has the most terrible water in the world.

Imagine an airplane full of dog crap and gasoline crashed into a factory that makes pennies and glue. Now imagine that factory was next to some sort of bog or swamp. Now imagine the wreckage from the plane-factory crash fell into the bog. Now imagine it rained a lot and the bog became a lake. Now imagine they put some pipes in the lake and pumped the penny-gas dog-poo water into a giant tank and mailed it to my apartment complex.

That's basically how I got hives.

BUT, I'm all un-itchy now and ready to get back to squeezing out some quality!

Here's a new Facebook addition:


There are a few new projects I'm cranking out, but we'll save those till tomorrow. And by tomorrow I mean "whenever this blog gets updated next".

In other news:
The first Mountain Man tee EVER sold like two days ago! It was bought by our new best friend, Olivia.

Yes, I know that's a picture of Chuck Norris, but that's exactly how bad-a Olivia's lucky friend is going to be wearing that sweet manly shirt.

You can still get your own Mountain Man tee RIGHT NOW at the paperbeatsscissors Etsy shop.
RIGHT OVER THERE →

Last but not least paperbeatsscissors has a new tee up on Threadless, so get your patootie over there and score it!


Until next time!

PBS

Oh man, I'm getting hungry...

I'm almost considering eating the chocolate Christmas penguin I've had on my desk for six months. It's made out of that special chocolate that will last forever, even after the Apocalypse, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

As a special reward for visiting this blog, even though there's almost never anything interesting here, I've put up another song. It was recorded last weekend for an Easter video a friend was working on.

Jesus Is A Rock


Reworking of an old song, sung here by Frank Sinatra. As usual, all instruments and vocals are by this guy. Mostly just acoustic, electric, and bass, with some sweet drum loops and effects unda-laid. Dig?

Also included! Some fresh art.

Facebook: Murray


Lil' Dreezy


Sexyyyyyyy.

Side note: I just finished reading Ronin by Frank Miller over the weekend, so now I need a new comic book to read. I'm thinking of The Umbrella Academy, but I'm gonna have to do some more research.

Until next time!

PBS

Revenge of the BEATS

More music!

More magical music for your membranes!

I've been very industrious over the weekend, like a chipmunk. Like a chipmunk that collects phat beats instead of peanuts. Here's the latest from the paperbeatsscissors phactory: all new, all original music. Lyrics and composition by yours truly.

"Hound"



Instruments: Acoustic, Electric, Bass guitar, Accordion, Tambourine. Drums are a loop, accented by my own little rhythms. Supple-ly supplemented by my own pipes. Feast! Feast your ears!

Bonus! Here's the first of a new project I'm working on: Facebook.



One pen, two pen, red pen, blue pen. Two pens, one face - in under 30 minutes. Trying to upgrade my portrait skills, so expect more of these.... IN THE FUTURE!

Until the future...

PBS

Putting the BEATS in paperbeatsscissors.

Because excellence never sleeps! And neither do I anymore.

So when I'm not busy working on my top secret web design project, I've been trying to get back into recording some music. My ultimate goal is to become a one man band. Not only will that free up my schedule a lot, but the chicks are great.

The first tune finished is a cover of The Postal Service(RESPECT)'s Such Great Heights. All the instruments are played by yours truly, minus the drum track and scratch pad. The instruments used are: Acoustic guitar, electric guitar, ukulele, bass, washbin drum, harmonica, and a whole lot of lovin'. Check it out...

Such Great Heights (Lost in Space Remix)


That can whet your musical palette until I can get some original stuff up here AND hopefully some new art soon.

Until next time!

PBS

Taste the rainbow...

...the paperbeatsscissors rainbow.

Aim for failure, so you can always succeed!

That's our new motto at paperbeatsscissors, especially in the blog department.

I haven't done any music recordings yet, but I promise I'll have one by the end of the week. Even if it's terrible! In fact, just to be safe, I promise a terrible recording by the end of the week.

There I go, setting myself up for success again. Man, I'm good.

The truth is, my fingers have been busy doing other things. No, not that, just coding the bejebus out of a online lookbook for a top secret client! That, and catching up on Lost... which I am still watching for the same reason I watch a spider drown when I flush it down the toilet. I just want to make sure it's dead.

But, anyway... top secret client. They'll be revealed in a few days, but until then I'll be venturing into some unknown territory... Facebook Apps. So be on the lookout for the paperbeatsscissors App that I'll be developing over the next few weeks.

Until next time!

PBS

Mad science and rhythm, together at last!

Don't worry - It's not going to end like it did last time.

Using a combination of sexiness, voodoo, and duct tape I created my very own little Frankenstein drum set. These drums are much more well behaved than a Frankenstein man, although they do keep saying "father" over and over again in that lobotomy-retard voice... but I think I can beat it out of them.

HA! A free pun! Free pun for you, lowly pun-peasant!

Here are some pictures:



This is the completed bass drum. It's made out of an old granny-style washtub, some drop-cloth material used for painting, and a whole crap ton of duct tape. The skull appeared from thin air after I finished building the drum. I think I accidentally added some awesome magix, as I sometimes do.


This is the "before" picture of some slightly modified air duct piping that I used for the snare. The "naked corpse", if you will.




Aaand the finished product. Snare ingredients: 8 double-ended extendable hooks, 3 springs with eyelets and wall hangers to secure them, 2 Evans 14" drum heads, 1 piece of ductwork, tape, glue, and a smattering of tin foil.

I know you're all itching to hear the pHAt beats this thing lays down, and you won't have long to wait since I'm recording a few random things this week.

BUT until then you can go vote for my shirt on Threadless... if you haven't already. Or even if you have. Just click the button again, and maybe some of your secret longings will rub onto the keys and bump that 5 up to a 5¾. It's worth a try.

Until next time!

PBS

Pinch yourself...

..because you might be dreaming, and if you're dreaming then you can't go vote on the newest shirt from PAPERBEATSSCISSORS at Threadless! Oh em gee! Check it out...



An otherworldly rendering of a classic tale. Am I full of creative jello, or have I just been watching too many episodes of LOST? In an alternate universe, Lewis Carroll was Japanese, Elvis is president, and fried chicken is bread!

Oh wait, that last one is real. We really are living in the future!

As a special bonus, I've included an original rendering of the Kyoutan Tochi design so you can see it in all of it's many-faceted, star-kissing beauty.



And as an even more extra special bonus, check out the original art that inspired this design.



Part of the blindingly awesome STICKER PROJECT. Check out the facebook album to learn about all the little jots and tittles of that project.

Stay in school.

Until next time!

PBS

You deserve this.

Don't feel bad for indulging yourself. Two posts...within two days! If Santa were real, he would be so totally jealous of me now, since you just received the two best gifts ever, and it's not even Christmas. I can just imagine him shaking his merry little sausage-finger fist at me in jolly rage, as he sends Rudolph to take a dump on my deck.

Ahhh, it already feels like December again in here, instead of stupid March.

Here's a little tidbit that I've been meaning to share for a while. A Where the Wild Things Are tribute... fabric stitched on canvas.



So adorable, and yet... so sexy. This might possibly go up for sale soon, or be included as a magical FREE givaway if someone... anyone.... will buy one of the awesome and lonely shirts I have for sale on Etsy. BUT, if that happens you will only know about it on this blog, so go tell all your friends to come here and then hit them in the head with a lamp so they forgot why they came.

See how we both benefit? Good.

Until next time...

PBS